The Baby Section

Carson works part time at Target, which is a convenient 10 minute walk or a very short drive. So after work, I went over there to pick up some veggies for a recipe. Since I knew he was there, I went up to his department to say hi (my shift conveniently ended at the exact same time he began his, and he got off at midnight). He was chatting with a customer, so I began to browse the closest section, the baby clothes section.

I have several friends who have recently had or are soon to have babies, so I was technically doing "research" for baby gifts. I looked at tiny little rompers, dresses and cute little baby shoes, hardly believing that a person could begin so small. An "about to pop" woman was choosing a stroller and my heart didn't feel complete sadness. I did wonder if she was having a boy or girl (the stroller was neutral), but seeing her excitement didn't tear me apart.

This is a story that is seemingly insignificant, and likely totally insignificant to you, but here's the thing. For months, that baby section has been a really uncomfortable place for me. I would see pregnant mothers dreamily picking up little socks, parents with tiny little ones shopping for a baby swimsuit, or excited future grandparents choosing the perfect "I love Grandpa" t-shirt. It was a difficult place for me to go, because I could identify with their excitement, but I felt robbed of their joy. Too many opportunities for rogue tears in the baby section, so I avoided it (if you had a baby in the past few months and you didn't get a gift from me, you now know why. I'm sorry.).

Do you ever do something and then realize that you've hit sort of a milestone? That's how I felt in the baby section today. It was a small success, realizing that in some minuscule way, I have grown up in this area. I don't think that it was bad to feel the way that I did initially, like the time that I was in Target and lost it when a baby cried. I never wanted people to feel the same loss I had (I'd never wish that on anyone), but I knew that it was very unlikely that I would have that same unhampered joy at the prospect of having a child. I went through something sobering and I was sobered, and obviously that changed me.

I will not be "over" my miscarriage. It's something that definitely happened and created a huge change in me. But I am moving forward. Tears happen sometimes but are thankfully less frequent, and I wear a necklace with a tiny garnet around my neck, the would-be birthstone of this child. I have invisible scars, strange reminders, and memories I wish to forget.

God is faithful though, friends. He is making me at peace with the future. He is giving me rest when I want to be anxious. I am realizing that He knows what is going on in the future, that He has the answers. He has made me see the beauty of the Body of Christ, surrounding me with people to encourage and love and pour words of truth into my soul. He has let me sort of toddle through this, allowing me to move at very slow pace as I see His work in my life. This year has been very bumpy for me, spiritually. I have struggled a lot, and just the fact that I admitted that at all is evidence of a little growth.

The baby section was evidence of baby steps. Growth is slow, but we're moving forward.
He is good.