[Subtitle: We walk by faith, not by sight.]
I don't need to worry.
I was walking on the property next to ours this weekend when I realized how much more I worry than trust.
"Please don't let there be snakes" I prayed as I kept my eyes out for anything slithering in the tall grass next to the overgrown path or sunning themselves in the heat of the day. I'm not usually like this but I began to get panicky as I considered what may have been lurking around. I kept praying. "...at least please don't let them be poisonous!" I pleaded, heart beating fast (was I convinced that God just had it out for me?). I looked over my shoulder, looked left and right, studied the grass I walked, "what-ifs" flooding my mind - what if I got a snake bite? What if that Copperhead Scott killed the other day has a big brother who wants to avenge the death? It's hot out, I'm too far to yell, didn't bring my phone... can one run home with a snake bite? Would it be possible to run from a snake before he bites? Would he run after me? I was paranoid by this point, and praying over and over again in my head.
It was then that I stopped.
I didn't see a snake and I didn't stop walking, but I hit the pause button in my head and thought about all that I had just done. I realized, sinking feeling in my stomach, that I wasn't praying in faith. I wanted God to do something, to keep me safe, to kill all the snakes in Seabrook if that's what it took (now that would be nice!)... but I didn't ask in faith. I asked God to not let me even see a snake but kept right on looking for one. I planned an escape route even as I prayed for protection. I realized how stupid of me it was to say in essence - "I trust You completely except not." That's why I stopped.
I confessed my worry and doubt to God. Thinking about it now, it was a bit silly but I told Him that it would be okay for a snake to bite me because I knew that if so, it was His plan (I'm sure God thought, Oh thanks, Lindsay... it's so nice of you to give Me options). I knew He'd take care of me. I moved toward the dock, stepping through weeds and grass up to my knee. I cringed a little bit but then remembered that God had me... I was in His control now.
I sat on the dock for awhile but not for too long because I thought I would fry in the heat of the day. I sat and thought through some things and talked to God for a little bit. Then it was time to walk back. I fully expected a snake in my path this time, now that I wasn't supposed to be worrying but there wasn't one that I could see.
My absolute fear wasn't natural to me... I know that God wanted me to learn through that. I know that I was being totally irrational and overreacting... but I also know that I need to trust Him and not worry. There have been other things recently that I realized I'm reacting similarly to. I confessed that as well and will give Him the throne.
I read these verses shortly after writing this in my journal...
Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord -
for we walk by faith, not by sight.
II Corinthians 5:6-7
[written on 06.09.08... but I wanted to see how it worked to schedule a post... comment if this actually works]