We Went to a Wedding

So we went to a wedding for a coworker recently. We decided that it had the best food we've ever had at a wedding (and we've been to some amazing ones). There was an appetizer buffet, a dessert buffet, an open bar and a plated dinner with salmon and steak. We left full and happy. There was also a photo booth, which we loved. I got some pictures with my coworkers and with Carson. I've included one of the two of us and one with our friends Heather and Evan - funny story, Evan is my good friend Rachel's brother. We work together - he was the one who told me that there was an opening there in the first place. We got connected with our church through him too. Small world! 

Anyway, pictures. We looked a million times better at the beginning of the evening, but here we are when we got back home. 

Wreath of Hearts

Well, as you probably know by now, I really like decorating my house. 

As you may also know, decorating for this time of year is sort of weird. It's too early for spring, 

and I don't really want to set out a bunch of snowmen and snow-related things; it just seems too Christmas-time-y for me. Also, I see snow outside... snow inside is just a LOT of snow. 

For the month of January, I redecorated my mantel in green and silver (because I'm really looking forward to seeing green again). But now that it's February, I'm excited to put out the pink and red. 

I wanted a Valentine's wreath and I'll be honest, I'm not 100% in love with this one. It's kind of blah and not my favorite. Chances are that I won't change it this year, so this is the wreath I'm showing you! 

These were my supplies:

wreath form from the dollar store

glue gun

puffy hearts on sticks from the dollar store

 This is the most self-explanatory thing ever. Take the sticks out of the puffy hearts. It took zero effort. I have no idea what people do with puffy hearts on sticks, but I guess they don't do it for the staying power. They look like marshmallows, don't they?

Line up your hearts in some sort of pattern. Or don't.

Glue your hearts on to your wreath. You could go all the way around, but I had a feeling that this would have meant purchasing a LOT of puffy hearts, so I just glued them in a sort of cluster on one side.

I would probably wrap this in red ribbon or something first. I didn't have red ribbon, so I used this leftover gold ribbon that I bought for my Christmas decor. It works and it's glittery so I guess it's a win.

Hang on your door. Admire.
Alternatively, you might just say, "I'm so proud of myself for decorating for a holiday" and close the door that you never use anyway. You will not know if hearts fall off from the cold weather or if little birds think that they are marshmallows and try to munch on them until it is time to change out the wreath for the next holiday. Your neighbors, seeing your wreath from afar, will probably nonetheless admire you for your commitment to decorate for every holiday. Or not, but you'll have no idea. 

37/365

This won't be an exciting post, so feel free to skip!

So, since the year started, life has been fairly adventure-free. I work almost every day and cherish those days off when I get to wear my hair down. Carson's resumed his schedule of going into the office pretty early to get things done and then staying there until 5ish unless he has night classes. He works at Target on the weekends (I guess I forgot to write about that but he started before Christmas, worked full-time there over break and is now part-time).

And that's more or less what we've been doing.

- We're making friends at a rather slow rate, but it was expected, so we're not really sad about that. We stay up to date with friends in Spokane through Facebook or the occasional text.

- As far as things we do together go, well, we mostly stay inside. It is COLD. We've been watching Downton Abbey season three lately and I'm not sure I've ever written about our love for it, but it is there. I was introduced by my friend Jessie over the summer and would sit in her basement for hours watching episode after episode. Carson became interested in the show I'd explained and after watching the first episode, he too was hooked.

- The other thing we've been watching is The West Wing. We have (and LOVE) Amazon Prime (it's a million times better than Netflix for movies/shows) and were looking for something to watch and happened to click on the first episode when we'd finished watching all the existing Downton Abbey episodes. Anyway, we're almost done with season 4. We love the White House drama and we feel like it's educational... if only to show us that WOW working at the White House would be crazy. That's how I feel... Carson keeps telling me I'll make a great First Lady someday so I guess he's dreaming big ;)

- We've also been doing crosswords from the newspaper. Sometimes I'm impressed by how much I know and other days I just feel like I live under a rock and don't know anything. That may be the point.

- We were part of a Community Group at our church that met on Thursday nights. We loved it and that's where most of those friendships we mentioned came from. But now Carson's in class on Thursday nights and we were asked to branch off and start another group. Ours meets on Monday nights and we had our first meeting this past Monday. There were eight of us total.It's strange having a group of people over, when it's been so long since we've hosted more than one or two at a time. It's fun though.

- Back when I lived with Molly, we did a challenge where we did 100 push-ups a day for the month of February, just because. Carson and I are doing that this year. I really hate push-ups. Almost any other exercise is better and I think leg ones are just way more fun (by that I think I mean easier... I don't do squats for fun all the time or anything).

Like I said, life is very mundane. But it's good. I did decorate a little bit for Valentine's Day and we got new curtains so posts will come soon.

Snow, Snow, Snow

It's been one of those weird winters. It snowed around Thanksgiving, then melted and snowed but didn't stick until the first day of winter. Then it snowed through New Year's and suddenly melted again. There were a few warm days ("warm" meaning 35 degrees) and then it snowed 15 inches in one night. It would melt a little during the day and then snow more at night. 

As I'm writing this, it's melted again. We've had a rainy day and it was a very strange 55 degrees. It's supposed to be in the teens and snowing again by the weekend. 

Whatever. Since it's so crazy, we thought that pictures of us in the snow needed to happen. 

By the way, if you're looking for snowman pictures, there aren't any. 

Here's why: snow has to be a certain texture to make snowmen or it's just too powdery and you have a pile of snow and very cold fingers (Carson taught me this). And just when the snow get to be the right texture, it melts again and we're back to square one. 

Anyway, this was after church last Sunday:

Helpful Responses to a Miscarriage

I shared why we decided to be public with the news of our miscarriage here.

Now I'd like to share some helpful things I've gleaned from the experience. Things people said or did that were helpful... or not so much. There were more helpful things than not, and I feel like they're obvious, but in case this is helpful to others... here you are:

Disclaimer: These are obviously related to my personal experience. There are people who would like nothing said, and people who really need that. Remember that.

A lot of people said, "I don't know what to say", and I think that it was still encouraging. Knowing that they cared, even if they were a little freaked out to talk to me in fear of saying the wrong thing, was helpful.

"What can I do?" was another common response. I appreciated it, and if there were ways that people could help, I told them, but there wasn't a lot for them to do but pray. If I'd had other children, maybe a meal or something? I'm not sure.

"I'm praying for you". Very helpful. Nice and simple.

"I've been through what you're going through. I understand some of the emotions and I want you to know that I'm here for you". So encouraging. I usually cried.

"I don't want to push you or make you talk, but I'd love to listen if you need it". Also encouraging. I talked some people's ears off and said nothing to others. I think that this depended largely on whether or not I was in a talking mood that day.

"Your baby is in heaven". Depending on how far they took this, it was helpful. It could get annoying - I do not believe that my baby is an angel, has wings, or is looking down on me. I believe that my child is with God and that one day I will meet him or her.

"It's okay to cry". Helpful.

"Let me hug you". Helpful.

"Open your door, we're here with flowers and brownies". Okay, so there were two friends (old roommates), who did this, the day that I posted the story of the miscarriage on my blog. They didn't even stay five minutes, just hugged us, told us that they loved us and were praying, and left. I couldn't stop crying after this. So meaningful.

"Let me tell you the story of the person with 13 miscarriages who never had a biological child and had to adopt". I would love to adopt one day, but this was NOT helpful. I promise that I can come up with "What if" scenarios very well on  my own. Also, I don't believe that adoption's purpose is to be a last resort.

"Let me tell you the story of the person with a miscarriage who went on to have healthy pregnancies". I appreciated this, as well as stories from people with several healthy children who said, "I went through that too". Kind of a relief, really, to know that I wasn't crazy.

"It's okay to name your baby". This was not at all a bad suggestion and I got it several times, but I didn't name my baby. I don't love unisex names, and I'd feel a little silly naming a baby something for one gender and then always wondering what if it was the other one. But I do see how this would be helpful. I thought about it a lot actually.

Hearing about babies and new pregnancies was difficult. I was and continue to be happy for those people, but at first, I saw a baby and cried like one. I WILL say that I have friends who were pregnant at that time, and they were so great. They didn't say, "That was one of my fears" or "One day you'll have this too", or really anything other than" continually offer love and support. They didn't gush. A few did say, "Tell me how to be sensitive about this" which was nice. I guess the key would be to be really casual. Just be a friend.

"Maybe God is trying to teach you something". This wasn't just unhelpful, it sounded downright hurtful. I don't believe that this was the intent, so I don't hold it against anyone, but I really hate the way this sounded.

"Here's my number. You don't have to call, but if you need to talk, please do". I don't know that I took anyone up on this, but it meant a lot. (and you know who you are)

I wouldn't say things like "Are you sure? Maybe you weren't even pregnant". REALLY? Not helpful. Hurtful, and  I imagine that the intention was kind, but this shouldn't be said, it's insulting. There were a couple of people with this response. I didn't know them well, and I'm glad, because I really didn't want to talk to them.

People who sent cards and letters. Very thoughtful. Also, many of them came from people I don't know that well, and that was touching.

Facebook messages and emails. I don't think it matters if there was handwriting or something typed... however people chose to say, "Hey, I care" meant a lot. I got one specifically that said, "Tell me if you want me to ask you about it or ignore it. I want to be sensitive" and that one meant a lot. I appreciated that she cared but wasn't trying to be invasive.

Phone calls. Helpful. There were a lot of people that left voicemails that said, "I'm praying, I'm thinking of you, and that's all I wanted to say. Call back if you feel like it, but there's no obligation". I don't know if I did call those people back, and if that was you, thank you.

"I am still thinking of you and praying for you". One month later - three - seven: people randomly contact me and let me know this. There aren't many (and it would honestly be a little weird to have 80 people calling me all the time), but it means a lot to know that people remember. In fact, Carson left these flowers (tulips are my favorite) and this short note at the house on the six-months-since date. It was a rough day anyway, a rough day at work and it was so touching. I saw them and burst into tears. It wasn't a huge gesture, but it was very, very meaningful.

Bottom Line:

If you're put in the awkward position of friend-of-a-person-who-lost-a-baby, I would encourage you to say something. Seriously. Don't ignore the fact that someone has endured a personal tragedy. Don't avoid them in fear of saying the wrong thing. Even if you do say the wrong thing, if you say it with a hug and intentions of love for the person, they likely will appreciate at least the thought and the hug. They will know that you care. They will be thankful that you cared enough to give a hug or to say, "I have no idea what to say and I'm sorry". They will feel that they can trust you. Just don't avoid the situation entirely (unless they ask) and then go with that but still give them a hug. Let them know that you care and let them know not just at the moment, but even if you think about it three months down the road.

And one more thing, you don't have to feel like you need to shield your friend from unpleasant things. Don't shush people when they talk about babies, or say, "Hun, you okay?" and give puppy-dog sad, sympathetic eyes in every conversation. That's just awkward, and you'll end up making things a little strange there. Just be a real friend. Keep it simple.

--

I'm probably leaving things out, so feel free to ask. I promise that it's not weird.

On Smells.

One of the strangest things about me, in my opinion, is my sense of smell. It's always been so incredibly strong that there are certain things in the morning (bananas in particular) that I cannot be near. I always smell milk before pouring it, even if I pour it again later. I smell books. At work, I know that certain customers are in the store without looking up because I smell them.

Carson, poor guy, has to deal with this on a daily basis. I'll wake up in the morning and know that we need to empty the garbage that's in the kitchen downstairs.
This is an actual conversation:
"You ate onions today". "No I didn't, I had them for lunch yesterday!" "Well, I smell them!" And I do... it's really that crazy. Had I been a dog and not a human, I could have done some serious tracking down of dangerous criminals.

(I don't know why I drew that conclusion either)

Going along with this, and certainly a more normal thing: for years, certain scents have brought back memories, good, bad and random.

I'll walk into a place, sniff and think about the place where my cousin, sister and I took art classes when I was six. I couldn't tell you what the place looked like, but I think the smell has something to do with a paper mache thing we made.

A certain lotion (it was this one) reminds me of my first semester in Spokane. Burnt food reminds me of a certain roommate (as does the sound of smoke alarms, but that's another story). 

There's a scent that reminds me of my first year in Ukraine: the smell of the body spray Kristine used. Other smells that remind me of Ukraine include the smell of cows (driving through Iowa brought back those memories vividly), diesel fuel, and candle wax... 

Saltwater reminds me of home. Even the eggy, pluff mud smell brings back good memories. 

It didn't occur to me until recently that maybe there was a tie between my sense of smell and one of my favorite passages, Second Corinthians 2:14-17. I'll type it out in case you don't know it:

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one an aroma from death to death to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things? For we are not like many, peddling the word of God, but as from sincerity, but as from God, we speak in Christ in the sight of God.   

So, God uses us to spread the smell of Jesus "in every place".
We are a fragrance of Jesus, ultimately to God, in the world.
We represent Him, acting as little puffs of perfume or the smell of cows, depending. We spread the aromas of death or life to those whom we're around.

We will be known by our smell. Jesus will be known by our smell. We have been given the role of ambassadors of Jesus Christ to the rest of the world (Second Corinthians 5). Through us, people will see Him.

Instantly, I think of my life. I think of the interactions I have with co-workers, with people I see every day. And I wonder, What do they SMELL? And more importantly, Do THEY KNOW what they're smelling? Because they might very well see that oh, I don't curse. But do they know why? Do they know that the most important thing in my life is Jesus?

I sat there for a little while with the cursor blinking after that last sentence, just thinking.

Do they smell Jesus? 

Why We Were Open

As you know, I've been fairly open about my miscarriage this summer. I was thinking about all the events of this summer recently, and decided to share some more thoughts about why I have been open, some of the responses, and maybe even some "things to say or do" tips, since that was one of my number one questions. I've decided to try and share a lot of those things over the rest of the month, so feel free to share your own thoughts or ask questions.Why

In this post, we'll tackle the WHY.

There were several reasons that we decided to tell people:

- I was in another country, supposed to be there for another few weeks, and I was coming home early. I didn't want to lie and tell people that I just missed Carson or something, because that wouldn't have been true (ps - I did miss Carson). In another situation, we probably wouldn't have been so public.

- Secondly, while I wouldn't have been so public, I would have told the people who are close to me. Friends and close family members would have been informed either way - I'm not sure how you go through a huge personal tragedy and manage to keep everyone out of it. I wanted and needed their support and encouragement.

Why we told people in person: 
Before I returned to the States, we decided that it would be good for Carson to let the leadership of our church know. I believe that they mentioned it at the prayer-time during the service on Sunday morning. Again, one of the reasons that we did this so publicly was because I'd publicly said that I was going to be gone till mid-July, and there I was, home in mid-June. I think that doing this was really helpful. People knew, and didn't have to feel terrible when they said, "So, why are you back early?" I wasn't afraid to tell them, but honestly "I had a miscarriage" is NOT the anticipated response and people just feel so bad for asking.

Why I shared it on the internet:
This is the same reason that I was incredibly quiet about my whereabouts until I posted about the miscarriage on the blog. If I were to mention the fun things I did one weekend, then have someone comment on Facebook and say "Wait, I thought you were in Ukraine?!", I would feel really bad telling them in a private message, or, worse, right there on my wall. I wrote the blog post for several reasons: I had a ton of feelings and I wanted to record them, and because I didn't want people to be caught off guard.

Thinking back...
In retrospect, I think that being open was good because it let people know, but from a distance. I wouldn't say that this is for everyone, but I will say that it was helpful in my situation. I received many, many responses from people who said that they were praying, or that they had been through similar circumstances. I was mostly encouraged by the response that I got, and I felt that sharing publicly allowed for a buffer for those who would rather avoid the awkward situation and say nothing, which by the way, I completely, completely understand.