Helpful Responses to a Miscarriage

I shared why we decided to be public with the news of our miscarriage here.

Now I'd like to share some helpful things I've gleaned from the experience. Things people said or did that were helpful... or not so much. There were more helpful things than not, and I feel like they're obvious, but in case this is helpful to others... here you are:

Disclaimer: These are obviously related to my personal experience. There are people who would like nothing said, and people who really need that. Remember that.

A lot of people said, "I don't know what to say", and I think that it was still encouraging. Knowing that they cared, even if they were a little freaked out to talk to me in fear of saying the wrong thing, was helpful.

"What can I do?" was another common response. I appreciated it, and if there were ways that people could help, I told them, but there wasn't a lot for them to do but pray. If I'd had other children, maybe a meal or something? I'm not sure.

"I'm praying for you". Very helpful. Nice and simple.

"I've been through what you're going through. I understand some of the emotions and I want you to know that I'm here for you". So encouraging. I usually cried.

"I don't want to push you or make you talk, but I'd love to listen if you need it". Also encouraging. I talked some people's ears off and said nothing to others. I think that this depended largely on whether or not I was in a talking mood that day.

"Your baby is in heaven". Depending on how far they took this, it was helpful. It could get annoying - I do not believe that my baby is an angel, has wings, or is looking down on me. I believe that my child is with God and that one day I will meet him or her.

"It's okay to cry". Helpful.

"Let me hug you". Helpful.

"Open your door, we're here with flowers and brownies". Okay, so there were two friends (old roommates), who did this, the day that I posted the story of the miscarriage on my blog. They didn't even stay five minutes, just hugged us, told us that they loved us and were praying, and left. I couldn't stop crying after this. So meaningful.

"Let me tell you the story of the person with 13 miscarriages who never had a biological child and had to adopt". I would love to adopt one day, but this was NOT helpful. I promise that I can come up with "What if" scenarios very well on  my own. Also, I don't believe that adoption's purpose is to be a last resort.

"Let me tell you the story of the person with a miscarriage who went on to have healthy pregnancies". I appreciated this, as well as stories from people with several healthy children who said, "I went through that too". Kind of a relief, really, to know that I wasn't crazy.

"It's okay to name your baby". This was not at all a bad suggestion and I got it several times, but I didn't name my baby. I don't love unisex names, and I'd feel a little silly naming a baby something for one gender and then always wondering what if it was the other one. But I do see how this would be helpful. I thought about it a lot actually.

Hearing about babies and new pregnancies was difficult. I was and continue to be happy for those people, but at first, I saw a baby and cried like one. I WILL say that I have friends who were pregnant at that time, and they were so great. They didn't say, "That was one of my fears" or "One day you'll have this too", or really anything other than" continually offer love and support. They didn't gush. A few did say, "Tell me how to be sensitive about this" which was nice. I guess the key would be to be really casual. Just be a friend.

"Maybe God is trying to teach you something". This wasn't just unhelpful, it sounded downright hurtful. I don't believe that this was the intent, so I don't hold it against anyone, but I really hate the way this sounded.

"Here's my number. You don't have to call, but if you need to talk, please do". I don't know that I took anyone up on this, but it meant a lot. (and you know who you are)

I wouldn't say things like "Are you sure? Maybe you weren't even pregnant". REALLY? Not helpful. Hurtful, and  I imagine that the intention was kind, but this shouldn't be said, it's insulting. There were a couple of people with this response. I didn't know them well, and I'm glad, because I really didn't want to talk to them.

People who sent cards and letters. Very thoughtful. Also, many of them came from people I don't know that well, and that was touching.

Facebook messages and emails. I don't think it matters if there was handwriting or something typed... however people chose to say, "Hey, I care" meant a lot. I got one specifically that said, "Tell me if you want me to ask you about it or ignore it. I want to be sensitive" and that one meant a lot. I appreciated that she cared but wasn't trying to be invasive.

Phone calls. Helpful. There were a lot of people that left voicemails that said, "I'm praying, I'm thinking of you, and that's all I wanted to say. Call back if you feel like it, but there's no obligation". I don't know if I did call those people back, and if that was you, thank you.

"I am still thinking of you and praying for you". One month later - three - seven: people randomly contact me and let me know this. There aren't many (and it would honestly be a little weird to have 80 people calling me all the time), but it means a lot to know that people remember. In fact, Carson left these flowers (tulips are my favorite) and this short note at the house on the six-months-since date. It was a rough day anyway, a rough day at work and it was so touching. I saw them and burst into tears. It wasn't a huge gesture, but it was very, very meaningful.

Bottom Line:

If you're put in the awkward position of friend-of-a-person-who-lost-a-baby, I would encourage you to say something. Seriously. Don't ignore the fact that someone has endured a personal tragedy. Don't avoid them in fear of saying the wrong thing. Even if you do say the wrong thing, if you say it with a hug and intentions of love for the person, they likely will appreciate at least the thought and the hug. They will know that you care. They will be thankful that you cared enough to give a hug or to say, "I have no idea what to say and I'm sorry". They will feel that they can trust you. Just don't avoid the situation entirely (unless they ask) and then go with that but still give them a hug. Let them know that you care and let them know not just at the moment, but even if you think about it three months down the road.

And one more thing, you don't have to feel like you need to shield your friend from unpleasant things. Don't shush people when they talk about babies, or say, "Hun, you okay?" and give puppy-dog sad, sympathetic eyes in every conversation. That's just awkward, and you'll end up making things a little strange there. Just be a real friend. Keep it simple.

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I'm probably leaving things out, so feel free to ask. I promise that it's not weird.