I find myself often looking ahead.
This isn't a bad thing; it's perfectly fine (and often smart) to plan ahead.
And looking ahead while, say, driving, is the best thing to do.
But I'm talking about the looking ahead and wishing the present weren't the present.
Last year at this time, I was engaged. We were engaged for nine months, which is fairly average, I believe. But it's also a pretty long time. During that time, I moved twice, attended a semester of school, worked a couple of jobs, lived on both sides of the state and oh, planned a wedding. It was a busy time. It was a transitional stage, which was quite often not the best of places to be.
I struggled quite a bit with discontent during that stage of life. I guess it was pretty obvious that that would happen, given the fact that Carson lived six hours away from the months of January through April, and then 3,000 miles away from April till we got married in May. I got tired of thinking of weddings and wanted to just start the life we'd been talking about for nine months. Talking about something and waiting to do it gets old really fast. (side note: I really respect the people who have dated/been engaged longer than I did/was because I have no idea how they did it.)
This year, I'm married. And I do love the life we're living. The apartment, the people I'm around, the church family we are a part of, the school community. Seriously, we've got it made.
And wouldn't you know it, I still struggle with discontent:
"I love this life... but..."
It's the "but" that's the problem. The little areas where I'm not satisfied, not 100% okay with what I've been given. They're so small but terribly tricky.
And for the sake of transparency, here are a few:
...but I wish I had the time to run more. I really do. I love running but running before work is ew. And running after? I'm tired and it's dark.
...but I see my friends who are pregnant and a part of me really desires that. Yes, really, Mom and mother-in-law and people who are praying for this to happen. (there's also that part that screams with reminders of my own childishness)
...but I wish Carson and I had more time together. Our schedules are not optimal. And for this being our first year of marriage, perhaps we shouldn't have committed ourselves to so much... oh well... live and learn.
...but I want to be near _____ (friends and family who live really far away and I haven't seen and won't see for a long time)
These things aren't bad.
But these things are NOT where God has me right now. It's not the life I have been given, so there's no point in trying to live in hope for that.
Right now, my hope should be in Christ.
I should live in light of what He's done for me.
I should be thankful for the abundant blessings given to me.
I should praise Him for being so faithful.
I have not one thing to complain about (except too much stuff... bummer... being so provided for?). Not one thing to express discontent about.
I'm human. I'll find things to wish for and get upset about, but where are my eyes looking? Toward Him or toward what I want?
(and do I really want to answer that question?)