Thursday, November 14, 2013

On Terrifying Experiences

Found this in the "drafts" folder. I hadn't finished it, so the ending will be a little choppy. I wrote it a year ago.

Every year around my birthday, I walk around in fear.

If you know me, you know that I love my birthday. I think it's wonderful and pretty much feel as if I could walk on the moon. But I am afraid of surprise parties and suspect them without fail. Anything remotely "off" makes me think that a surprise is coming. My parents don't answer their phones? They must be coming for a visit to surprise me for my birthday. We're going to a restaurant? I cleverly text my friends to see what they're doing to see if they have a strange back-up story. Until the month of March is over (and sometimes longer), I suspect that everything I am doing is a surprise party trap. 

In addition to surprise parties, I don't like being sung to in public. When I was eight, my family was at a restaurant for my birthday and my Nana had the wait staff sing to me. I promptly jumped up, CRYING and ran to my dad. I still remember that feeling of terror, all eyes on me, and if we're out to dinner around March 9th, I watch everyone I'm with like a hawk, trying to figure out if they're plotting to have the waiters sing. 

On my very first day of work, I hyperventilated in the parking lot, completely freaked out to go inside. Why? I didn't know what to expect (I also couldn't find a parking spot, so I drove back home and made Carson drop me off, making me still on time but not as early). 

More recently, I was supposed to go to a women's event for the ladies in our church. I was looking forward to it until I realized that I know only about three people in the church. Suddenly, I could think of nothing worse. I am terrible at small talk and I'm not all that great around people. I didn't have anyone to go with (which always makes it a little easier) and Carson was at work so he couldn't give me a "You should go!" pep talk. I finally went, but dragged my feet so much that was late. I had a great time, but when I couldn't find the house right away, I very nearly turned around and drove home. 

These things bother me because they are so small and silly.
Isn't it interesting how such tiny things become mountains? 

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