It's Been Three

The summer has been so long. It feels like a million things have happened in the few months since I graduated. If I were to use just one word to describe the summer as a whole, I'm not sure if I would use "crazy" or just "difficult". It's been both.

Today, it's been three months since my miscarriage.

The move was an excellent distraction. I got totally caught up in goodbyes and packing and three full days of driving, then unpacking and finding a job and getting settled. But as I settle in more and more, I have fewer things keeping me busy. For one, we know a small handful of people here, not the large circle of friends we kept in Spokane. Two, Carson is gone most of the day and I work unpredictable hours. This gives me lots of time to think.

And today, my thinking has been about our baby.

I'm sad today, thinking back to three months ago. That was easily the worst day of my life; every day since then has been progressively better. I'm healing today, thanks to the blessings of time and perspective.

But it still hurts.
Not too long ago, I was in line at Target. I heard the squeaky cry of a newborn baby and buried my head in Carson's arm, crying. As happy as I am for the friends and relatives who've recently announced pregnancies, I get a lump in my throat. I've cried more tears in the past three months than I can remember crying in any other period of my life.

We've been so blessed by the people around us that I can't end on a "this is so sad" sort of note. Because while I am sad, I am still amazed by how the Body of Christ has wrapped its arms around us. Simple emails, letters, phone calls, Facebook messages, comments on the blog have amazed me. Stories from other women have encouraged me. People have come up, hugged my neck, and prayed for us in church. Two friends brought brownies and flowers.

I've been amazed by all the giving that has happened in our lives because of this. We have been so blessed, so encouraged, so in awe of what Jesus is doing in His church. I wouldn't have seen that if not for this, so while I'm not glad that it happened, God has given us great encouragement as a result.

The healing is going to take awhile, and I'm pretty sure it will never be complete, but even in the face of this storm, we have seen God's goodness. We eagerly wait the day that we will see our sweet child's face.

I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

From Glory Baby, by Watermark