Today, I Stopped

(this picture was taken I sent my first application to Moody, November 2006)

"I don't know why I'm here" she said, wiping away tears.

Neither do I, I thought quietly to myself.

"I just want God to tell me and He WON'T!"

I know! I wish I knew!

He does have a plan. It's higher than I can imagine. It's beyond my comprehension. Sometimes I'm not okay with that. Most of the time I say I am, I say I'm trusting. I put on that strong Christian smile and pat people on the head and tell them to just trust. Who am I kidding anyway?

Just trust?

Nobody just trusts. As I've heard the stories of how people got out here, I've become more and more certain that trust is something that doesn't come naturally. We've all learned about it in some way or another during this whole Moody experience. People who were deferred and had to wait a few months more to find out. People who got accepted two weeks before school started. People who didn't have a place to stay when they came here. People living on rice for a week.

I think the problem really is that we don't stop as often as we should. Seriously. When I was talking to my friend on the stairs today, it required me to stop instead of passing by. It required me to take a deep breath and ask God what I should say to help her out. I realized today that I don't stop nearly enough to think about what God is doing in other people or in myself.

I've really heard a lot of neat stories since I've been out here. The guy who gave me a ride to school who got saved at Bible school in New Zealand of all places, the person who didn't have enough money to pay her rent and almost went home when someone randomly put $100 in her box. I don't know everyone at my school but the stories I have heard make me realize the amount of amazing testimonies out there of God's providence.

Those stories make me stop and think for a minute before heading to class or to check my box in the computer lab. I'm in awe of God for about two seconds before I rush to find out the grade on my midterm. I say "God, why am I here?" when my grades aren't looking so great and when I have a rather crushing paper coming up.

I got home from school today, overwhelmed by the Psychology paper due tomorrow, the exam I need to take over the weekend, the homework for Tuesday that I've only glanced at. I wrote about a page of my paper before I had to stop. I wasn't at a loss for words, but something made me go back to my old blog to read what God had done.

Two years ago (it doesn't seem like it's been that long) I had the biggest test of my faith yet. I thought I was going to some Bible school in Chicago. I didn't get it. I was told flat out that I shouldn't re-apply. I did school online for a year. I reapplied the following year, pretty sure that God was leading me to do so. I didn't get accepted to the school in Chicago; I got accepted to its branch in Spokane, Washington. Otherwise known as the other side of the world. I went. I thought about it in chapel today. That I'm here. I'm in Washington, studying the Bible.

Moody isn't the best thing that ever happened to me. As I read my posts from the past year, I realized that the past few years have been some of the best ever. They have been hard. They have been challenging but so great. Instead of last year being really terrible like I thought it would be, I loved it. I loved my Junior High girls, my Frontlines girls, my friends, my family, going through the Old and New Testaments, learned so much more than I thought I would about God's Word, about myself, and about who He is. Being there prepared me for being here.

When I stopped to consider where I had been I remembered where I was going. The words of Dr. McMath on Orientation Day still ring in my ears "You were born to be here". I see the truth in those words again. When I look back and then to the present I see the purpose in God's plan. It makes me really excited and really ready for whatever will happen next. I don't know if I will be in Spokane or Chicago or Beaufort next year at this time but I know that this year, even this semester, has prepared me in some way for what will happen next.

"God wants you know know why you're here" I said. "He knows why you're here and has a plan for it. I'm sure of it; I've seen it in my own life. He's not ready to show you though. He's getting you ready to see what He has planned. Satan wants you to miss out. He wants you to doubt. Trust God to show you His plan. I know it's good."

We hugged and went to our respective classes.

God is good.