New York Day 2

Okay, here's the thing. We did a lot of things while we were in New York. We documented those things. This is a blog about our lives. There are so many pictures, and instead of 45 posts, here are about a billion pictures in one post of one day. I'm not sorry. 

We got up at about 7:45 our first day in New York and sort of lazily got ready for the day. We knew that we didn't want to get TOO early of a start because we wanted to miss a lot of the "rush hour" foot/subway traffic, so we took our time and it was nice. We left at about 8:30 in the morning.

The one thing we didn't plan to a T was where we were going to eat. On this particular morning, we were going to the Staten Island Ferry, and Carson wanted to get a bagel on the way. We googled "bagels near me" and the place with the most good reviews wasn't too far. Google maps is a little easier to navigate in a car than on foot, but we finally made it there.

We sat on stone benches, birds perching on nearby branches waiting for us to drop a crumb or two. The bagels were delicious.

We chose to go to the Staten Island Ferry instead of Ellis Island/Statue of Liberty for a few reasons: 1. it's free 2. we knew this trip was going to be more of a touristy overview of New York than an "explore everything in depth" trip, and the Staten Island Ferry would allow us to see the Statue of Liberty from afar, get the ferry experience, but also allow us to see lots of other things once we got off.

We got off the ferry and headed for Wall Street.

Museum of Indian American History

The famous bull statue. We opted not to get a picture with either of us in front of this because it was teaming with people and we really didn't want to wait that long.

Next, we went to Trinity Church. One thing we loved about the city was the neat architecture. Neither of us know a thing about architecture (I remember very little from my art history class in Jr High, only the difference between Ionic and Doric columns, and Carson knows maybe less) but we loved the detail in the buildings and how there was a blend of old and new in the city.

We walked down Wall Street next. I imagine that all the people in suits there who clearly have places to be are very annoyed by the tourists who clearly have nowhere to be and nothing to do but walk slowly and gawk and take pictures. I did my best to stay out of the way, but pictures definitely happened. 

The New York Stock Exchange 

Next, we walked to the 9/11 Memorial. It was very sobering to look down into the pools where the buildings once stood. When I came in 2001, there were chain link fences all around this area with posters and candles and stuffed animals and people praying and crying for those whose lives had been lost. I think these memorials are a beautiful way to honor those who lost their lives that day. 

The Freedom Tower

We didn't have anything specific to see in these places, but we walked through Greenwich Village and SoHo.

We stopped and sat for a moment at the Hudson River Park.

Next, we went to Chinatown and Canal Street. Carson waited in line at this place for some spring rolls.

We sort of accidentally made our way to Little Italy next.

Carson suggested that I get a cannoli in Little Italy since he had just gotten a spring roll in Chinatown, and who am I to say no to a great suggestion like that?

There were lots of cafes lining the street where people were eating lunch, so we decided to join them, and chose a random one. This wasn't part of "the plan", but it was a terrific stop.

We made our way back and decided to reward ourselves for so much walking by taking the subway to our next stop: Times Square.

We had heard good things about finding deals on last minute Broadway tickets by stopping by the box offices so we tried it out. I think our real problem is that we specifically wanted to see Aladdin, which is not a cheap show to see. We still walked to multiple box offices and asked about different shows, but decided ultimately to save the money and see the show another time when we've budgeted for it. I think it would have been so fun, but we both felt better not spending that money this time, especially since we knew that we'd be spending money on tickets to Top of the Rock the next day. 

So we were exhausted. When we saw these big rocks just inside Central Park, we decided to follow what we saw other people doing and sit on them. Central Park was on our list for the next day, so I didn't feel a need to actually walk around and explore, and we'd already walked about 8.5 miles that day.

I fell asleep on a rock for about 45 minutes so yeah, I guess you could say we were pretty tired. Carson says I even snored.

Hello Central Park horse!

We were tired and it began to rain (and it got COLD suddenly), so we popped into this little dinner for warm drinks. I'm pretty sure I had the most expensive hot chocolate ever, and I'm almost certain it was Swiss Miss. Either way it was warm and that was the point.

Tossing a penny into the fountain.

We walked past Radio City Music Hall. NYU had a graduation here that day, so we saw lots of caps and gowns.

We were walking and discovered that we were once again in Times Square, so we decided to walk around and sort of aimlessly shopped. We went into the most well-organized Forever21 ever and H&M, looking for a jacket because it actually was colder than it looks in the pictures, but we were out of luck. Carson hadn't been into an M&Ms store before, so that was a fun adventure. We also got free samples of Reeses at the Hershey store, another place he'd never visited. We didn't buy anything.

We were a little hungry, so Carson got us hot dogs from a food cart!

Carson insisted on slices of pizza as well, so we stopped by this place on our walk back to our hotel.

We walked almost 30,000 steps (11.5 miles!) this day. And had the blisters to prove it (no pictures - see, I don't document EVERYTHING!)

New York Day 1

We try to do something special for our anniversary every year, though that definitely has looked very different over the years. We've been to Broadway musicals, stayed in hotels, gone to nice dinners, and even to Niagara Falls and Disney World. One thing we've always wanted to do was explore an entirely new city together. Arguably, we've done this a lot, since we've moved around and done a decent job of exploring our surroundings in each place. With our move to Germany coming up, we weren't sure if this was going to happen, but thanks to a little quick budgeting and an unexpected bonus check, we did something that was a little scary for us and booked a flight to New York City. 

I've been to the city twice before; once in December of 2001 for a mission trip to high schools in the city after 9/11 and in 2011 for a day trip with my sister in law. The first trip was a very long time ago and my memory is very foggy and the film (yes I said it was a long time ago) in my camera messed up so I don't have pictures to jog that memory. The second trip was quite short, and I also came down with a stomach bug while we were there. Fun stuff. 

Exploring this city has been on our list for awhile, but Carson got way more into the idea after he returned from Boston this past November. He loved how walkable the city was, the famous sights all easily accessible, the ease of public transportation. He was really into a city that had all those things, so Boston was near the top of our list, but since he'd recently done that city, we decided to do New York. There are lots of sights to see, things to do, and plenty of good food to enjoy, and so we got on Pinterest and found plans for what to do each day, places to eat, things to see and went from there. 

We left on a Tuesday afternoon in the rain. Our flight was delayed almost an hour due to bad weather and I had visions of the whole trip getting ruined, but that didn't happen at all - my hair just got frizzy as we waited for the airport shuttle to take us from our car to the terminal in Jacksonville.

It was a fairly quick flight, about two and a half hours. Not bad for what could have been a very long road trip. We did a crossword some other passenger had started and Carson took a nap. 

We flew into LaGuardia. We had a layover here in January and remembered how neat it was to see the city lights glittering in the night. It was even better in the daytime!

We found a place to buy a seven day MetroCard and then got in line for a bus. 

We transferred from the bus to a mostly-empty subway car and hung out there until we got to the Prospect Park stop in Brooklyn.

We stayed in a bed and breakfast - our first B&B experience - this trip. 

There was a "no shoes in the house" rule which we thought was funny but was very enforced. It was sort of like we were visiting friends, except that we didn't really see anyone else and it was super quiet. 

We freshened up a little and then headed out to look for something to eat. My planning hadn't really extended to "what's near where we're staying", which wasn't a smart move, but on our walk from the subway to where we were staying, we spotted some promising options. 

We walked around and saw some good options, then walked through a tiny bit of Prospect Park. It seems like a great park, and we would have liked to explore it more in the daytime, but we sadly never made it back. 

We ended up getting gyros at this really tasty Halel place. They were so good (and CHEAP!) that we came back our last night in New York. 

We took it back with us and ate at the very fancy dining room table, which was far too nice for our dinner in a to-go bag. 

It was late for us to do anything, but not really that late and we felt sort of lame staying in at 9pm, so we walked to a bar that was about two blocks from where we stayed and sat and talked. This is the sort of thing that I think people do at coffee shops, but for some reason we don't really go to places where you just sip something and talk. We plan to do that more. This was a great idea. We finished off our evening by walking back and watching an episode of something on Netflix on my phone.

We walked a little over 10,000 steps (4.2 miles) this day, and we were in a car and then a plane until almost 6pm!

Don't Blink.

It is our wedding day. 

The music swells, the crowd stands, we smile. We hold hands, trying to breathe deep and take it in. "It goes so quickly!" people say, so we try to soak it up and hold on to memories. We say vows we have worked on for hours, vows we struggle to remember in the moment, as it already feels so fleeting. We hear a message, we kiss, we are married. We are somehow down the aisle, past the crowd again, and inside, without really remembering how we got there. We are married.

We face a world of possibility, of wonder, of dreams yet to come true.

We wonder what our children will look like. We wonder if we will make it through the end of college with degrees without going into debt. We wonder how many babies we will have, and if we will be those people who have babies before their first anniversary. We wonder if we will have a future in ministry or a career with the forest service. We wonder if we will decide to live on the east coast or the west. We wonder if we will get a dog or if Carson will win Lindsay over and convince her to get a cat. We wonder if we will become a two car family.

With each day that passes, we see our "what ifs" and "I wonders" turn into real life.
We discover that we can really only wonder, only dream, because real life is full of things beyond what we might have imagined.

We have been told to take it all in, and we do, trying not to blink so that we don't miss out. 

We don't know yet that the tiny shack we will live in for our first few months will harbor sweet memories along with an aggressive colony of sugar ants. We don't know that we will join a church where we will thrive and grow and learn. We don't know that Carson will get pneumonia on his 24th birthday, just a few days before our first Christmas. We don't know that we will live in the Reilly building where we will make lifelong friendships as we spend hours each week cleaning the church. We don't know that our long walks downtown will be full of conversation and plans about the future. We don't know but we wonder about a career in fire fighting for Carson.

We blink, and we have been married a year. 

We don't know that in that year, Carson will break his foot doing routine exercises on the fire crew, and begin to think seriously about academia. We don't know that we will be so obsessed with saving money that we won't go home for Christmas and will also not be able to fly out for our friends' wedding. We don't know that we will regret not going to that wedding and that we will decide that we will do our best in the future to make those memories and to be there for the people we love. We don't know that Carson will apply to lots of grad schools and get into a few, but that the tiny school in Ohio that we kept forgetting about will be the one that sends the reminder emails and offers tuition with a stipend.

We blink and two years have passed. 

We don't know that just four days after our second anniversary, Lindsay will discover she's pregnant, the morning of graduation. We don't know the heartbreak that summer will bring. We don't know that Lindsay will be in four weddings this year. We don't know that we will feel so welcomed even before we get to Cleveland. We don't know that we will visit just one church and that we will quickly join that church and will grow and learn about community in a way we never have. We don't know that Cleveland winters make Spokane winters feel like summer. We don't know that not too long before our third anniversary, Carson's brother and his family will begin to foster three precious girls, girls we hope and pray for, and who also open our minds to the possibility of foster to adopt. We don't know that Carson will finally cave and go to an eye doctor in this year, and will finally be able to tell that trees have leaves again when he gets his new glasses.

We blink and we have been married three years. 

We don't know that in this year, we will fall in love with a city that has a curiously bad reputation. We don't know that we will make a bucket list and explore as much of that place as we can. We don't know that we will feel very much at home in Cleveland, and decide that we will probably stay. We don't know that of the doctoral programs Carson has applied to, that one in Florida will offer him a position. We don't know that we will tell all our friends that we are planning to turn it down, only to pray about it really hard and surprise everyone with the news that actually we feel like a move down South seems like the right decision (still sorry about that, friends!). We don't know that in this year, we will find a great doctor who seems to have the answers, and then a few months later lose our third baby. We don't know that we will grieve once again, maybe more than we did before as we fear a future that we had not expected.

We blink and we are at our fourth anniversary.

We don't know that Carson will graduate with highest honors with his MA (although we are not remotely surprised). We don't know that we will be sadder about leaving Cleveland, a city we will live in for only 22 months, than we were about leaving Spokane, our home of four years. We don't know that we will really struggle to find a church in Tallahassee for over a year. We don't know that in that time, we will spend lots of time traveling to see friends and family in the South, now that we are within driving distance. We don't know that we will begin to see the necessity of the church body in a way we probably couldn't if we'd found a church right away again. We don't know that we will really enjoy being part of a school with a football team that is, for that year at least, undefeated. We don't know that garnet and gold, which color the streets of Tallahassee, will find its way into our wardrobes and stuck on our car. We don't know how nice it will be to be in warmer weather, a much needed thaw after the cold of Cleveland. We don't know that Carson will discover how very much he likes the beach, and that he will meet Mickey Mouse for the first time. We don't know that this year will pass with no pregnancies, no babies, and that we will grow as we learn to deal with that.

We blink and we have been married five years. Half a decade!

We don't know, although we hope, that this will be the year that we do find a church in Tallahassee. We don't know that we will be so refreshed by finding a church, by finally having good friends, that we will begin to settle down. We don't know that before we do, we will get to travel all over the place again to see friends and visit new places. We don't know that our car will hit invisible things when we are driving in Georgia and that our tire will go flat (three times!). We don't know that Lindsay will accept a new job opportunity that is wildly out of her comfort zone and yet will feel much more "her". We don't know that Carson will lose three grandparents within this year, and that two of them will decide right before their deaths to spend those last few breaths on earth as followers of Jesus, joining the third in glory. We don't know that after months of waiting and years of discussing the possibility, that Carson will be accepted as a Fulbright finalist to Germany. We don't know that we will visit a doctor who will give us hope and give us a plan as we seek answers for the future of our family.

We blink and it is six years later. 

Beach Days

We realized that the last time we went to the beach was in December and that we were wearing sweaters then. Before that, we hadn't gone since JUNE! And we live in Florida! Because we're moving to a place where a beach is going to be much further away, we definitely want to take advantage of what we have. We went so much the first summer we were here and then I guess things came up and we traveled and got busy. 

So we recently went to the early service at church and then headed out to St George Island, which is a pretty nice popular white sand beach that's about an hour and a half away. There are closer beaches, but this is probably the closest really pretty beach.

The Saturday after that, we had a busy afternoon planned, so we went to a beach that's a little closer to us, Carabelle Beach. It's a small beach, pretty and not crowded. We got there when it was still pretty cool in the morning and when there weren't so many people there and it was really nice!

Someone is studying for comps, no matter where we go. He studies when we watch TV, when I'm shopping while he sits in the car, and even at the beach. 

(Mostly) empty beach!

Empty

When I was little, I loved to play "house". In the woods, in the playroom, on Granddaddy's boat; we played it everywhere. Being the oldest, and also the one who most wanted to play this role in our games, I was always the mom. I was sometimes the dog trainer, sometimes the dolphin trainer, sometimes one of the Olsen twins solving a mystery, but for the most part I was the mom. My cousin Morgan and sister Becca were my children, either whining small children or teenagers who snuck out, and I feel like I spent most of my time pretending too cook with empty spice containers and "watching Oprah" (or soap operas) on the boat's rear view mirror we pretended was a TV. 

I pretty much assumed that these games were preparing me for real life (can't say I've actually ever SEEN Oprah or a soap opera, but I guess someone had told me about daytime tv).

I babysat for years growing up. If I had been better at saving than spending, I could probably have paid for college entirely with my earnings as a sitter. It seems a little weird now, but sometimes when I was babysitting, I'd pretend that the babies were my own, making up little stories in my head about my life as a mom with them. 

You probably know already that we've dealt with loss. For almost four years, we've waited and wondered. 

Last week I had an ultrasound to hopefully diagnose things for me. The night before, I started thinking about it and the thought crossed my head that maybe the best surprise ever would happen and I would be pregnant. This was of course super unlikely, but I overthink everything and like to imagine possible outcomes to basically every situation that may arise, so I went in with this in the back of my head. In my scenario, I was past my first trimester, to avoid more worries, and also pregnant with twins. This is my go-to "ya never know" scenario.

It was a little strange being in the room with the pictures on the wall of babies and the big tv screen in front of me projecting what the tech was seeing. As you can imagine, when I was sitting in that dark room with the tech scanning, I saw nothing. Well, nothing like I've seen on other people's ultrasounds. I can't really identify things on those, but I know what a basic prenatal ultrasound looks like and this wasn't it. I mostly saw static. As expected, my womb was empty. The tech explained that things looked good and that I'd know more once someone "read" the ultrasound. 

Just as I'd suspected, there was nothing.

I can't tell you the times I've considered exactly how I'd announce that I was pregnant. I can't tell you how many times I've debated doing a gender reveal party. I can't tell you how many times I've read birth stories. I can't tell you how many times I've bookmarked what seem to be good articles on breastfeeding and even potty training. I don't know why I do it, but I do. I want to be as prepared as I can be for when that moment comes. I am hopeful. 

It's a vulnerable place to be, certainly. I know very well that I have set myself up to be crushed, and I am, every month. It has been 26 months since my last miscarriage, but every single month, even since my first miscarriage 4 years ago, I have been really really hopeful. 

I realized a long time ago that life is out of my control. I realize that having babies may not be something that I can do (results still pending!). I realize that sometimes waiting lasts longer than seems bearable. I realize that just wanting something does not mean that it will happen. I realize that I do believe that God is in control, regardless of how bad life stinks sometimes. I miss my babies in a way that is strange and odd, because of course I never knew them and never will in this life. I have learned, I have grown, and while I wish that I was indeed a mother sitting here writing something entirely different before Mother's Day, I really am hopeful that one day things may not be this way.

The end of a Tennyson poem springs to mind, and I am certain that it will be familiar, but it seems appropriate nevertheless, in the face of emptiness and loss and sadness and hope. 

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

       I feel it when I sorrow most;

'T is better to have loved and lost

       Than never to have loved at all. 

My womb may be empty, but my heart is not.

South on 75

I got to go visit friends in St. Pete over the second to last weekend in April! Caleb and Christina are friends of mine from Beaufort. I've known them for forever. Caleb used to be my next door neighbor, and Christina and I were in the same literature class in high school. I've gone on mission trips with them and they had their wedding reception in my parents' backyard, just like I did!

I left on a Friday evening after work and got there about four and a half hours later. 

Christina and I stayed up a little too late talking that night, so we slept in a little the next morning. It was a beautiful day and 79 degrees felt a lot hotter in south Florida than it feels in Tallahassee. 

We headed to the ferry to take us over to Clearwater Beach. It was a busy Saturday, and the ferry was very new, so we actually waited almost two hours. The bridge (behind us in the picture) was about a 2.5 hour wait to get across. Christina said that Clearwater Beach was recently voted the best beach in America, so I guess everyone wanted to get over to experience it!

We spent about two hours at the beach. We walked around for a little while looking for somewhere to eat, then sat on the beach for just a little bit, before we both admitted that just sitting and laying out at the beach isn't our favorite thing, so we got up and just walked really far down the beach. 

So we decided to go back on the ferry but when we got to the line, we noticed that it was really long. The people in front of us went to the front of the line and asked how long the wait was and they said that it was about two and a half hours. Christina googled how far it was to just walk across the bridge and it was two miles, so instead of standing in line for forever, we geared up for a long walk... in sandals. Our feet were aching because of course we hadn't planned on hiking up a bridge and hadn't prepped and had just taken a long walk on the beach. The view at the top was worth it, and it was kind of fun to walk up the bridge, even if we did have to take our shoes off and go barefoot for a little while. 

(thanks for the picture, random guy who stopped his bike ride to take a water break)

Caleb and Christina prepared an amazing dinner of shrimp alfredo, stuffed mushrooms and garlic bread. It was a late dinner and a late night because we'd added a walk over a bridge to our evening earlier. We watched James Bond: Spectre after we ate and Christina was asleep in about five minutes.

We went to church the next morning and ate really delicious Greek food after. 

Caleb had to study for his law school finals so Christina and I hit the beach in the afternoon! We went to St Petersburg Beach because it's a lot closer and had a much shorter walk involved in it :) It was beautiful!

We got back from the beach and took a leisurely trip to Target, before picking up Caleb and going back to the beach in the evening to see the sun set. We saw three weddings/couples taking wedding photos on the beach that evening.

After our trip to the beach, Caleb and Christina cooked another fantastic dinner: steak! They completely spoiled me. We watched Aladdin after we ate because they were headed to New York the following weekend and planned on seeing the Broadway version!

On Monday morning, I slept in a little bit because Christina was already at work, and headed north. I made a pit stop in Ocala for lunch to see Morgan and Grayson for a few hours. 

I got back home in time for dinner, exhausted from walking and sun and not nearly enough sleep, but it was so much fun! I'm thankful to live close enough to see friends as often as I can. Things are going to change this summer (Morgan is moving to Tennessee and we are of course going overseas), so I'm trying to make the most of the time I have!