Monday, June 25, 2012

We Will Rejoice

Recently, I have been reflecting on the goodness and faithfulness of God. 

You see, at the end of May, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. My parents and Carson's were in town for a visit, so I wasn't able to go to the store for a test without raising suspicion. So I told Carson and we were both very excited, but also quiet. After they left, right before I left for Ukraine, I discovered that I was pregnant.

We hadn't planned for this child, but we wanted him or her. We prayed for our baby, and thanked God for the blessing that He had given to us. The timing was sort of funny to us, since we discovered right before a six-week trip to Ukraine. We'd planned to start a family after that trip, but we were okay with that.

I was nauseated during my first week in Ukraine. My appetite was gone, and though I didn't throw up, I was tired and felt miserable. I slept a lot. I ate often but very little at a time. I wanted strange things at strange times (but couldn't have them because after all, I wasn't at home). But all of these things were signs that there was a little life, growing inside me. I wanted to tell the whole world, but we thought it best to remain quiet until after I returned, simply because we didn't want all the worries and "what ifs" people might have over being pregnant in a foreign country.

During that week, Carson and I Skyped a little bit, talking about the baby and how I was feeling and such things. Excitement filled our conversations. There was, yes, a little planning and discussion over "the baby".

I didn't feel well on Sunday. Well, I felt fine, but different. I didn't feel sick. I felt almost normal, and that was strange. Most of my symptoms had gone away. I thought that perhaps the hormones were taking a break or letting me off easy. We were in Kiev that day, touring the city. On Monday, Chloe and I saw the team off, and then headed back to Vinnitsa. In a gas station bathroom on the way back, I started to worry and wonder if everything was alright. Things weren't okay. I was concerned.

The next two hours of our drive seemed very long. I prayed for our little baby, the size of a blueberry at the time (according to the internet) almost the whole way back. I was uneasy all night, but knew there was nothing that I could do. I emailed Carson and asked him to pray.

Later in the evening, it became very obvious that I had lost the baby. I sobbed as Chloe hugged and prayed for me. I emailed Carson, since he wasn't online. I think that was the hardest... emailing my husband to tell him that we would never meet our child on this earth. It felt like an injustice, somehow. I hated email and just wanted the real Carson. I had him tell our parents. I couldn't do it. I'd already thought about how we would tell them our happy news and just could not bring myself to tell them not only of the presence of our baby but also of its absence.

I didn't sleep well that night. I cried and slept on and off all the next day. I didn't eat much. This has been hard. Much harder than I would have expected, if I'm being honest. For knowing someone so short of a time, for never seeing their face, for knowing that our baby was almost microscopic in size, I loved that little life.

Never have I been touched by something like this before. I'm not sure what to do, to think or to say. I have no idea how to react to this kind of emotion. So I have been asking God what I should do, think and say. In our uncertainty, He is certain. He remains faithful, even when life seems to be unfair.

When I first found out that I was pregnant, I prayed that the Lord would use our child's life for His service. Through the short time we have known about our baby, we have seen that prayer answered. I feel as if Carson and I have grown closer to one another in our time apart, which surprised me. And in the loss of this baby, we have found that we are still able to praise God. We are still thankful that He chose to bless us for that very short time. Carson's dad told him that there is a person in heaven that is the result of us, which of course made me cry (I told someone, hours before all this happened, that I'm not much of a crier which just seems hilarious to me now). Our baby is with his or her Maker in heaven.

Of course, the baby was wanted. Of course I would love to be wrong and have a baby after all. I would love to wake up tomorrow and find that I'd dreamed the whole thing. But overall, I know that this has a purpose. God gives and He takes away. Blessed is His name (paraphrased from Job 1:21).
One day, we will see that child in heaven.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I will say, Rejoice... do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:4,6-7


  1. Praying for your emotional healing, dear Lindsay. Your gentle disposition and elegant composure impressed me so much in Ukraine. God will bless you even through this sad event. Your faith is enough. Much love, Ms Loreen

  2. We lost our eighth child to miscarriage. I was ten weeks along, and the baby had died around week six. I will never forget the way the ultrasound looked.
    Don't let anybody tell you that you shouldn't grieve. You have been raised to KNOW that children are blessings, and indeed, that baby was a reward for you and Carson.
    Take the time you need to mourn your loss. Losing a child is the most difficult thing I can think of. I will be praying for you and Carson...too many times, the father is ignored as if he doesn't also greive.
    And take care of yourself. You need time to rest and your body needs time to recover.
    Sorry to write a book here. Much love and prayers for you.

  3. Take comfort that God loves you and will take care of you. I know I question and wish that things could be different for my family as well. God work is good, loving with grace. I have a baby with my Son in heaven-I know that they are watching over us and now they have meet your baby and greated her/him with open arms with our loving father.
    God's timing is perfect and his love never ceases.
    Our tears are blessings to God-that we lean on him during our trials. He will reward you with hope, peace and love for others that go through the same trials and journies as you.
    My prayers for comfort are with you both during your journey. Much love to you both. Fern

  4. Oh Lindsay, I am so sorry! I have not words of comfort or understanding in this moment, but I take from you a spirit of gratitude and faithfulness to our God. And it makes me rejoice with you, in our Savior. What a testament of your great love for our father and what a joy you bring to His heart in this trying time.

    I grieve with you, for your loss of your little baby. And I hope that you can find rest and peace in Him. All our love!

  5. This brought tears to my eyes.

  6. Thank you for sharing, Lindsay. I'll be praying for you and Carson today. Love, Sarah

  7. Thanks for sharing how you are rejoicing in the Lord on "the road marked with suffering." what an encouragement to me and a testimony to Gods goodness!

  8. Lindsay, my heart is heavy for you and your family as you grieve the loss of this precious one. As Dawn said, take the time to grieve. Don't be afraid to name your baby or do something special in honor and memory of his/her life. That is so important. Because it was real, it happened. There was a life and is now in the presence of God. You are a mother and will meet this little one one day. I will be praying for your healing, heart and body. Much love ~ Mika'l

  9. You guys are in our prayers! I really admire you for the attitude you have show on your blog.

  10. Dear Lindsay, my heart and prayers are with you and Carson. Your baby's life, while only for a little while w/you, has a purpose-b/c our Creator has a plan and purpose for each of us. I agree w/Mika'l you are a mother and have gained much in wisdom already.May the One who can bring tremendous comfort b/c He is the Comforter, give you comfort. Know that He also will hold those tears, so let them flow. In His grace and love, Ms Cassandra


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