A Future Hope

It seems like so much has happened in the course of just two years. Our time in Cleveland hadn't even started two years ago and here we are, one week away from a move to Florida.

Two years ago today, we lost our first baby.

When I think about it, those long two years seem not so long ago after all. The pain and emotion of that day two years ago will stick with me forever.

Though I've lost three babies, the first has been the one I grieved the most. With that pregnancy, I had complete hope and almost no fear. I was excited and happy. With the others, what I'd experienced plagued the back of my brain. Every semi-abnormal thing became a point of alarm, to the point where Carson found me weeping on the floor one afternoon, terrified of what might happen. Crying again, when it did. It's been a good two years, but also difficult. Marked with more sadness than I've ever experienced in my admittedly easy life.

I never got to hold any of those babies, or even see them in an ultrasound. I wonder all the time, what would that have been like? How would I have felt at the first listen of a heartbeat, the first glimpse on a blurry screen, feeling those first kicks?

It's that way though, I think. When we grieve, we grieve the memories, the tangible. When an unborn child is lost, there isn't much to hold onto. It's the grieving of what might have been, memories that could have been made: first birthdays, first steps, loose teeth. All I've experienced of motherhood has been nausea, food aversion and sleeplessness, and still, I long for that again. Amidst those not-fun experiences was something greater. There was the hope that one day, I would see a sweet little red-faced baby screaming as his lungs breathed on their own for the first time, hold him close and calm him. For someone who never heard so much as a heartbeat, I loved, and I longed for the day when I got to see that love face to face.

I can't stop there without talking about the hope that I really have. Because of miscarriage, I have become more aware of the grace of God in my life.
I know that we live in a broken world. Because of this, there is sin, there is pain, there is loss like we shouldn't have experienced. I know that there is more. I know that through the brokenness, God desires to make new. I know that He heals, and makes complete. Through the death of His own perfect Son Jesus, God not only experienced loss, but He also made new. Because of the cross, I can rest in the promise that God will restore all of creation. The world itself continues to be broken and full of pain. But there is more waiting. I know that I will one day spend my days in eternity, and I'll see Him face to face.

Despite the sadness and the brokenness I've become more aware of in the past two years, I've also been more convinced of the truth of the gospel. I am more aware that God is who He says He is. I know that I have a peace and a hope in Christ that I find nowhere else. Two years later, I find myself still struggling, still having difficult days, but ultimately more aware that I live for a future hope found in Christ.

No storm can shake our inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of Heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

(song found here)

Crowded House

If I didn't mention it, it's not because it hasn't been on my mind... but did I say anything about our new roommates? That's right... with just a couple of weeks left in this house, we added two more people to the mix!

Evan and Heather were looking for a new place to rent at about the time we decided to move. I mentioned offhand to them that our house would be up for rent mid-June, never thinking they'd be interested. We decided to move to Florida on the day of the Titanic Party and discussed the possibility of them renting after our lease was up. It sounded great and things looked like they would work out. Our landlord was thrilled because he wouldn't have to find new tenants.

The downside was that their lease at the time ended May 31, so come June, they'd be homeless for three weeks until we moved...

Which led of course to the decision to all move in together for a memorable three weeks. They moved in the last few days of May and since then, we've been living it up in absolute chaos.

It's a great fit, albeit a tight one. Though there's stuff in every place imaginable, it's been great for us to pack up more of our things and just rely on theirs. Of course that's strange too, since they put their things in different places and we have to re-learn how to get around in the kitchen we've had for nearly two years.

But because of this we've packed the entire upstairs, the kitchen, most of the dining room (mugs and other Community Group things are going to stick around until our last week), most of the living room (ie: all books), most of the bathroom (except for a few toiletries and towels... the essentials).

Here's our nearly-packed kitchen looking strange without the microwave, curtains and things on our counters.

Carson moved the shelves from upstairs into our bedroom and put all the yet-unpacked things we owned onto it. He says that he loves the way it looks (the colorful aspect of it, I'm guessing), but it is making me crazy. Too much chaos.

Last few moments of it being "ours"... only a few boxes in there.

This room now holds their bar, a bunch of boxes, and slightly unpacked kitchen items.

The upstairs, obviously pre-roommates. There are bookshelves and a few beds and who-knows-what else up there now.

At the moment, the living room looks only marginally better than this shot. There are still two couches, two arm chairs, one rocking chair and a wealth of folding chairs, which makes for a comfy community group, but a strange looking room. We have since sold the futon (which used to be upstairs, and is under the large frame in this picture) so it's a little better.

Before the transition was completely made, Carson ate cereal out of a tupperware that's getting trashed (no lid) with a plastic spoon because necessity is the mother of invention... even when "necessity" is actually just eating Lucky Charms.

In addition to more couches, less living space and making shower schedules, we are also enjoying the benefit of living with great friends of ours. There are people to talk to when we come home from work (I work with Evan, and Heather works for the same company, so there's also that bond), people to take more boxes from, and friends to hang out with in our final days here. It's a crazy time, but also a really good one. I think we'll look back and wonder how we possibly fit two households under one roof, but also look back at this time as a great memory. We have been so blessed by their friendship and we're happy to have an extra dose of it these days!

Lightning Show

Where I grew up, summer thunderstorms were a regular afternoon thing. I remember being used to getting out of the pool for thunderstorms and getting back in 15 minutes later. On vacation in Sea World one year, we were stuck in the smelly penguin exhibit for an hour because there was hail and an absolute downpour. Once it stopped, the weather resumed being sunny and hot, and we went about our business. That was life in the south, I guess.

 I never really gave those thunderstorms a thought at all though until Carson visited South Carolina for the first time. "WOW", he said in an awestruck voice as he sat on the porch every afternoon, "I have never seen anything like this. I've never heard thunder that was so LOUD". Until that moment, it hadn't occurred to me that often during the summer, lightning, thunder and rain showers would sometimes take over for the afternoon, providing a powerful show. Carson still talks about how amazing that was, so I'm thinking he will be in for a treat in the Florida summers.

A few weeks ago, Carson had a friend over to play a board game. They walked outside when his friend was leaving at about 10pm and Carson called me to come outside a few moments later. Outside in the sky was a crazy display of lightning. It was mostly silent, and absolutely HUGE and stuck in just one cloud. I've never seen anything like it. Carson begged me to grab the camera, so I did and we took over 200 pictures trying to capture the camera-shy flashes (turning the flash off and putting it on sport setting so it took continuous pictures - even if most are bad - was the trick). Of those 200, I deleted all but 9. 

Carson took these ones with the flash: 

And while he was trying his hand with the flash photography, I took this video on my phone. You can see the flashes from the camera on our neighbor's house.

And here's a GIF of several of the good flashes combined. 

I'm so glad we enjoyed this powerful show one random spring evening. 

Scott's Graduation

So, I'm not a great sister. I didn't get to attend my sister's graduation a few years ago because I was wrapping up my semester in Spokane. Not learning from that experience, we didn't make it down for Scott's graduation either. We'd wanted to, I'd taken the time off... and then we decided to move to Florida in June. All our pennies then went to moving costs instead of road trip costs, so we are losers.

Even though we weren't able to watch the graduation, we were able to stream it online. So we heard the speaker, saw the picture slideshow of the graduates, listened to the speeches, and were watching when Scott walked across the stage to get his diploma. Even though we weren't physically present, it was good to be there in spirit. Thank you, world wide web! 

Here are a series of pictures that are A. low quality snapshots of my laptop taken by my phone and B. actual pictures people took and emailed to me. 

Pomp and Circumstance. 99% sure that's Scott.

He was so cute!

Dr. Broggi addressing the class of 2014. I've known lots of these kids since they were babies, so as the camera panned by their faces I'd say "Is that? I think it is! I thought she was 12!" and so on.

Turning the tassels.

The family, minus Thomas (who was actually there and not a loser like we were), Carson and I.

Sunday was his big graduation party. Prior to the party I know that 100 people had RSVPd that they were coming... so needless to say there were plenty there to celebrate Scott. Although perhaps some came just to sample a little David Norman grilled chicken... yum.

Scott with Graceanna, who isn't really but is sort of my niece.

And a father and son picture. Enjoying the cupcakes Mom made.

We wish we could have been there! It seems like it was a great weekend and that we really missed out. I am incredibly thankful though for social media, which made everything seem a little closer (and thankful that soon we will be a little closer).
Congratulations, graduate!

Memorial Day weekend

Memorial Day weekend was spent packing, working, going to church, and then in between... with friends. We went to the Storey's for lunch on Sunday and had a relaxing afternoon with friends. John and Rachel were in town for the weekend and we were happy to see them again before we left and also to reconnect with Emily and meet her boyfriend. 

And no pictures, but on Monday we had a small cookout with friends from church. Both times were relaxing and fun, enjoying the sunshine and the people we love.

Life in Boxes

When it came to moving this summer, I just couldn't get my brain there. I mean, we WERE moving, but looking at houses, searching for jobs, even doing "lasts" here in Cleveland were the last thing on my mental checklist. Right after we decided on Florida, Emily and Jillian came to visit, then two weeks later I went to Florida, then a week later Carson's parents came and he graduated... and THEN I knew I would be able to focus on the task at hand.

But now that I'm mentally "there", this is a weird time.

I took the pictures off the walls the other afternoon and didn't cry, but felt like it, which honestly for me was a really big step. "It's now! We're moving now! This is it!" my brain said, making me sadder with each piece of yellow duct tape I tore.

Lots of people take the pictures down last because it feels like home right up to that moment, but I honestly wanted that. When we moved from Spokane, I didn't get emotional at all about it. I wouldn't let myself, so in a lot of ways transitioning to life in a new place was that much more difficult for me.

For years, it's been difficult to be vulnerable and open with my emotions. Even when alone, it's hard to sit there and cry without mentally reminding myself to "suck it up". One of many things I've learned in the past couple of years is that grief and pain and sadness are not bad. Dwelling on one's problems isn't a great way to cope with things, but neither is pretending that everything's great.

Our community group and church here has been such a blessing to me in this area. Having to be honest with my struggles has been a struggle in itself, but also a great point of growth in my life. I've learned that I haven't regretted letting people in when I was going through a hard time. It would have been really easy to talk about something that sounded good, instead of opening up and telling my friends what was really going on, but I'm thankful that I did. Before, I've put things I've thought about in writing only, as I'm not really a verbal processor, but my small group has seen me stumble through saying a lot of nothing to say what I mean. It's been good. The notebooks and random Word documents I used to confide in have nothing on real live people.

So honestly, as I sit here with dozens of piles of stuff to pack and dozens of taped boxes surrounding me, I'm going to admit that I'm sad to lose what I have here. I'm sad that the life I'm putting into boxes won't be the exact same life I live in Florida. Oh, I'll get over that. I'll meet people and hopefully have a great community there, but I'm sad to come to the end of this one. I'm sad that no matter how many times I visit, I won't be doing life with the same people I've been around. I'm sad that instead of people knowing me and sort of knowing what I'm NOT saying, I'll have to start all over with new people.

The truth is that we've done it before. When we unpacked our boxes in Cleveland, we thought that there was no way in the world we'd have anything close to what we had during four years in Spokane. In our almost-two years in Cleveland, it's true... we don't have what we had in Spokane. We had Cleveland. And I realize that sounds all kinds of cheesy. But it's a good reminder and something to look forward to.

We aren't going to have the same life we have here when we move. It might seem better, or it might seem worse, but it's got its own set of experiences. It's what makes life interesting, and it's a reason to be thankful for the seasons we've gone through and the chapters that have come before and are to come.

4th Anniversary

Our anniversary this year fell between Carson's graduation and moving; two things that have taken up most of our attention recently. It wasn't a day we entirely forgot about, but we really didn't have time to plan anything, so everything we did was last-minute. Last year, we had all the excitement of losing my passport, and we went to two places for our anniversary (the beach and Niagara Falls), so really we were fine not doing much. 

We like to do the traditional theme gifts for anniversaries, and this year, the theme was fruit and flowers. It was nice, because the options were fairly inexpensive, but there wasn't a ton of room for creativity. 

Carson got me flowers (he said he thought the lilies [which I kind of hate] were tulips [which I love]. Oops.) and arranged fruit on a plate for me. I didn't want to get him real flowers so I was trying to exercise all the creative thinking I could muster and got an Edible Arrangement. I've always wanted one, just for the pineapple flowers, so it worked out in my favor, plus since the fruit WAS flower shaped, I killed two birds with one stone. I ordered online the night before and it was ready to pick up the next day. 

That night, we were going to go to dinner at the very fancy Pizza Hut (I know... we live large), but our friend Yann, a French exchange student from JCU, took us out to dinner at Melt. He stayed with us the few days before he went back to France and it was nice to spend one of his last evenings with him before he went home. (and by the way, as of that night we are OVER this restaurant. Too much cheese -- words I didn't think I'd ever say)

We worked as usual the next day, and then decided that it would be nice to feel like we were doing SOMETHING for our anniversary, so we stayed at a cheap little hotel that night. We got dressed up and went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and came back and watched House Hunters so... be a little jealous okay?

We shared a piece of cheesecake for dessert and couldn't finish it.

The next morning, Carson picked up Bob Evans breakfast. He's always wanted to try it, and now he has. And well... it wasn't great, but it was food.

We got ready for the day and headed west. We went to the book sale at the Cleveland Botanical Gardens, and found out there that admission to the gardens was free so we walked around a little.

The real reason for being in University Circle was to go to the opera! Going to see the Cleveland Orchestra has been on our bucket list for some time now (we hear it's one of the best orchestras out there!) and we know people who could get us tickets for cheap (one was free, one was $10) so we got tickets for The Cunning Little Vixen, which is a very unique opera. It had both live acting/singing and animation, with the orchestra on stage providing the music, and was a really neat first opera. The story line was a little strange and the words were all in Czech, but there was captioning so we were able to follow along.

Severance Hall was really really gorgeous and sitting in the balcony was waaaay up there but gave us a greater view of that gorgeous ceiling. We could hear and see just fine.

Carson mentioned Dairy Queen after the opera, and so we went, in the name of anniversaries, cherry dipped cones and sprinkles. 

To continue the festivities, we came home and packed for seven hours. I am impressed with the fact that we actually did that, but it meant that we were up packing until 1am. On the positive side, we got the whole upstairs done and got rid of a decent amount of stuff too. Go us!