For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never Worn.

There is an urban legend written that Ernest Hemingway once bet that he could write a short story in just six words. He supposedly won that bet with these words: "For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn". I'm not sure that that ever happened, but it is indeed quite a story. In just a few short words, it encompasses a lot of pain and sorrow. Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, which is also a sad name for a day. While to be honest I didn't remember that today was that day until I saw a post on Facebook, I wanted to write something in honor of this day and our own losses. 

Right now, I might be sitting here writing this post (albeit a very different topic) as my almost-three year old naps. I might instead be relishing in the quiet, just sitting with a cup of tea because my almost-one year old was also down for the afternoon. 

Instead it's just me, and I'm writing from the floor because that's where my computer was. It's quiet and I'm the only one in my apartment. There are all kinds of breakable things sitting out at the perfect height for a small child to grab and break. I don't have any outlet covers. Nothing is baby-proofed. 

I've miscarried all the babies I've ever held in my womb, three in total. The first would have been due in late January of 2013. After I lost that pregnancy I got pregnant again right away with a baby that would have been born in the spring or early summer of 2013. The third baby, I lost last March. He or she would have been due on November 1 of 2014. 

These babies are missed. They have been grieved. I loved them. I think about them all the time and I wonder all the time what our lives would look like if they had arrived when they were due. I wonder where we'd live - we were just about to move to Cleveland when I miscarried the first two, and I'm guessing we'd have made that move either way, but I'm not totally sure if we'd have made the move to Florida. I wonder what kind of mom I'd be. I wonder if they were twins and I didn't know it (I've always wanted twins). My highs would have been different and my lows wouldn't be the same.

But this is the life I'm living now, and it's one without children. 

There is a part of me that will always ache for those babies. I'm certain that no matter what the future holds, I will not forget this time when I longed for children and felt the sting of having others pass me by. While I hope to have this season behind me sooner rather than later, I never want to forget it. I have learned valuable things about waiting and about being a good friend when you really want what your friends have, and about perspective, and about God being good no matter what. 

And He has been good. I don't understand why He's chosen us to be in this season right now, and if I'm being honest with you I might even trade places with the naive person I was over three years ago that just thought these sorts of things happened to "other" people and not to me. Waiting stinks and grieving is hard. 

While I ache for them and while I think about them, I know that dwelling firmly in the past isn't wise. We are urged as believers to "press on", to "look forward", "run with endurance", "lift up our eyes" and countless other similar phrases. Wallowing in our pain and letting it be the core of our identity just isn't a symptom of the Christian life. Side note: ignoring our struggles and pretending like everything is alright and that we don't have pain or problems is not the alternative to this either. We can be "real" and also be looking forward, going through difficult things and yet not giving up hope. I feel very firmly that it is important to be honest about these things and to let people in on them without just putting a smile on it to cover up (hence writing about it on the internet.) 

I both love and hate when people say "God's got a purpose for this". On the one hand, it sort of feels like I'm being preached at or told to look at the bright side of what is in actuality not a very bright thing. On the other, I believe that He does have a purpose. I'm not certain I'll know what that is. It might be that one day I realize that "Oh, THIS was the reason I lost babies!" - which I doubt. But still I believe that good has come from this situation. I believe that God works all things together for good, and that includes this. 

I see God's goodness and grace in my life, and specifically in the area of motherhood. He has not given me my own children in this world, but He has given me other people's children. Carson's brother has five little girls, to whom we are aunt and uncle, but I have several close friends whose children call me (or will call, as many of them don't yet speak) "Aunt Lindsay". 

It is a great joy to be called that, to have little people to love and to send gifts to, to look forward to seeing. I know a lot about strollers and car seats and random baby equipment that I wouldn't know about if not for them, and I'm hoping that one day it comes in handy for me. That isn't to say that I don't struggle, because I do, and it's hard, and I do wonder if my time will ever come. 

Experiencing that pain is unfortunately very much a part of life on this earth. I believe that sin and death are a part of our world because this world is broken and fallen and I believe that miscarriage is absolutely a sign of that. In a perfect world, we'd never know loss, or pain, or anything bad, which is something I cannot comprehend; not really. I mean - how perfect is perfect? What does that possibly look like? Think about it!

My children know a perfect world. They don't know loss, they will never feel pain. They will only know goodness, perfection, perfect love, a world free from sickness and suffering. It's what every mother hopes for - a world where their child is free from all the bad things of the human experience. I don't grieve their loss; they are all the better for never having experienced what it means to have a sin nature or to enter a world littered with its effect. I grieve for me. For what Carson and I don't kno -- how they might look, what they would grow up to be, how their existence would impact and shape us. I may become a mother to someone someday, but I have missed out on parenting those three children. For over three years now, I've felt the acute pain of knowing that I'm missing something BIG. I miss those three people I never knew. 

As we look to the past, we grieve. We wish we didn't know what it felt like to love someone you've never met and never get to experience that reality. But we look forward. We look forward to the hope that is in Christ. We love Him and we don't know Him. But we believe that we will one day be with Him, as our children are already, and that that love will be made full. 

Camping Trip

IAfter our day exploring the gulf, we thought it would be fun to stay a night out there. Somehow we decided to camp instead of stay in a hotel. We found two campsites in the area: one near a sketchy looking gas station, the other a bit further west on the beach. It was cheaper and sounded a bit prettier, so we went for it. When Carson went to book it, after he gave in to book ahead of time instead of showing up and getting a site right there, there was only one site left. I may have used the "told you so" phrase.

As the week progressed, the predicted forecast of sun turned to one of clouds and possibly even rain. We didn't get effects of Hurricane Joaquin to the extent that many others did, but the cloudy skies, chillier weather and scant raindrops were from the storm. 

Carson was pumped because it was about 75 degrees when we arrived, which came on the heels of 95 degree weather and to me wasn't so pleasant. 

We arrived on Saturday afternoon just after our check-in time of 3pm, after a couple of stops that looked fun. Before we set up camp, we walked to the beach. It was mostly empty, but there was a family hanging in there in swimsuits, braving the wind and the lack of sunshine. 

Then Carson set up camp, and I didn't really help because he said he didn't need it. So I stood on the picnic table in our campsite and sat in a tree. 

And then I decided I could help by starting a fire. I'd never done this before so Carson found it appropriate to document the moment. That fire and the ensuing fires fizzled out because it was just a little windy but together we got one to stick. 

We walked down a little trail near our campsite to this lake area. The dunes on the beach are just behind us here, if that gives you perspective. 

It was nearly sunset, so we checked on our fire really quickly and then headed back to the beach. It was pretty, but I wish it hadn't been cloudy that night.

After rinsing the sand off my feet, I tried to hold on to the railing next to me while I put my shoes on with one hand... And accidentally grabbed the shower head nozzle and sprayed all my hair. It was funny, but cold.

The next few pictures have been lit by headlamp, so they are quality. 

We had hot dogs, pasta salad that I made, chips, and grapes. We were going to roast asparagus too, but we left it in the fridge on accident. 

For dessert, we had marshmallows. "S'mores?" I'd asked when we were in the store. "How about just marshmallows?" Carson replied, "the other stuff gets in the way". Okay then.

I like my marshmallows well toasted and I'm fine with burnt. Carson said he likes his raw, but allowed me to roast some for him anyway. 

We'd brought along cards and books and a game, but when it came down to it, going to bed at 8:30 sounded really good, so we did. I made Carson take a tooth-brushing selfie, which I'm sure he just adored. We used the family bathroom because it was open, and I was impressed by how nice all the bathrooms were here... Clean and stocked and well-lit. For selfies, duh.

Even though it was cloudy and our chances were slim, we got up at 6:15 to see the sunrise. It was windy and about 60 degrees. I don't like wind!

The sunrise wasn't impressive, and although we thought we waited it out, we saw some pink appear in the sky as we returned to our campsite. Oh well. M

Our friends the Kipes happened to be making the very last stop in Panama City for the night, so after I saw a picture Jillian posted from the beach, I contacted her and made plans to get together for breakfast in the morning. 

Although we were headed in to eat, Carson didn't want to resist this local donut place near Seaside. It was a 15 minute wait but worth it for coffee and donuts.

We met at Panera in Panama City. It was good to get to chat with Jillian and Gary, good to hear Graceanna tell little stories about her time at the beach so far, and good to hold baby Wren as she reached for everything on the table. 

We took these as we were leaving the restaurant. Wren was a little under the weather and so she doesn't look as happy as usual, but she was actually fairly smile when her picture wasn't being taken. 

We returned back to our campsite to pack up (and I took a nap in the tent while Carson was throwing our garbage away) and take one more look at the beach before heading home again. It was nice to get away and do something different and I think we'll try to camp again as much as possible in the future! 

September Pictures

In September we...

Tried to befriend a skittish kitten. I thought cats liked fish and their food sort of looks like little crackers (I think... I've never actually had a cat) so I set some goldfish out and spied from the front door. She ate some but hasn't been back for more. Fine, cat. 

Learned how to remove stains around the collar. I use peroxide + dawn + a little water and it's magic. I've actually been quite good at getting stains out of things. Claim to fame. 

A random Saturday night dinner... we got ready to go and then it was rainy so we sat at home all day and then were still ready so we went to Ruby Tuesday for the salad bar and documented. 

Carson hard at work.

We took a walk around campus.

Could have been such a win... looked so good... this is a lesson to ALWAYS WATCH THINGS ON BROIL. A lesson for Carson. And the lesson for me is to always watch your husband when he puts things on broil? It just needed a few more minutes. The pineapple was great.

Half price cone day at Sonic. I only go for the slushies so maybe cones aren't new but they were to me. This was also the first day of fall. It was 90-something degrees.

Day on the Gulf

We've been meaning to drive west on the gulf to explore for awhile and haven't, due to weather or weekend plans, so we finally made that happen recently. We've had no beach weekends at all since summer officially began, just a couple in the spring, so it was time that we saw some sand and water, even if it was just to explore in real clothes.

We first went to Panama City. I expected dirty beach town, but it was cute. There were tacky tourist things, but it wasn't junky and gross like I expected it to be. I don't think that means we'll be back when spring breakers are out en force, but it was pleasant. 

And not too shabby.

Carson had a moment of "This is hot. Why didn't we bring swimsuits? (we'd just planned to explore) I don't want to carry our lunch. I need sunglasses." 

So he wouldn't cooperate. He laughed at this later and gave the okay to post though.

We sat on a little spot on the boardwalk and ate, watching people on the beach. He's giving a thumbs up, but the sun in his eyes makes him look grouchy (he wasn't at this point).

Not so bad, Panama City. Not remotely what I'd pictured.

We walked along the ocean down the beach with our feet in the water. It feels funny to wear clothes that aren't lycra (or whatever swimsuits are) at the beach.

We drove to Rosemary Beach next. A fellow bridesmaid at a wedding I was in last year told us about this place and since it was so close... why not? We got water and coffee inside a little shop in their downtown area.

It was so cute. And so something we can't afford. I think walking around places you know you can't afford give a little freedom though... we're not going to say "Oh you know what? I'm tired, let's just spend $375 on a room for the night!" when you know that there's probably a less-nice but still not bad place down the street in Panama City that's a quarter of the price (or less, probably). 

We wandered in little stores

And since we were so close, we drove down to Seaside, which has a similar feel, but is maybe more casual and is older. There were more people walking around here and you didn't need a code to get onto the beach (which we thought made sense but didn't like at Rosemary Beach).

A lady who was videotaping the beach asked if we wanted a picture of the two of us. We said yes and then she took lots of pictures and posed us. My smile looks a little fake because it's sort of weird posing forever for a stranger, and Carson was squeezing me like "Umm... can we just go?" but hey, pictures of us that aren't at arm's length!

There are a bunch of food trucks there and we contemplated getting dinner from one and then decided that a sno-cone was a much better decision. And it was. 

We got a sunset flavored snocone, which was strawberry and orange - I could eat one everyday, and I don't really like orange.

A successful weekend trip... and we quickly made plans to camp here, so you'll  be seeing that just as soon as we actually go camping and post the pictures :)