1,096 Days

Three Years ago today, we stood under Spanish moss draped oaks and said our vows. 

We made promises without really knowing where those would lead us. What would "for better or for worse" entail? What did it look like to serve and to put another person before yourself?

We didn't know where we'd be living three years later (actually, we weren't sure about three months later at the time), or if we'd have children, or how the money thing was going to work out or if we would argue about toothpaste tubes (turns out that it's not much of an issue, since we prefer different kinds)...

We've learned a lot in three years. We've learned little things and big things, realized areas where we need to grow, figured out which movies we'll both like, discovered that 70 degrees is the only temperature we're both okay with (but cold is preferred by him, warmth by me). 

Is it always wonderful? 

No. 

But when I look back to that day three years ago, I see so much change, so much growth and it makes me so excited for the future. Love you, Carson!

The Baby Section

Carson works part time at Target, which is a convenient 10 minute walk or a very short drive. So after work, I went over there to pick up some veggies for a recipe. Since I knew he was there, I went up to his department to say hi (my shift conveniently ended at the exact same time he began his, and he got off at midnight). He was chatting with a customer, so I began to browse the closest section, the baby clothes section.

I have several friends who have recently had or are soon to have babies, so I was technically doing "research" for baby gifts. I looked at tiny little rompers, dresses and cute little baby shoes, hardly believing that a person could begin so small. An "about to pop" woman was choosing a stroller and my heart didn't feel complete sadness. I did wonder if she was having a boy or girl (the stroller was neutral), but seeing her excitement didn't tear me apart.

This is a story that is seemingly insignificant, and likely totally insignificant to you, but here's the thing. For months, that baby section has been a really uncomfortable place for me. I would see pregnant mothers dreamily picking up little socks, parents with tiny little ones shopping for a baby swimsuit, or excited future grandparents choosing the perfect "I love Grandpa" t-shirt. It was a difficult place for me to go, because I could identify with their excitement, but I felt robbed of their joy. Too many opportunities for rogue tears in the baby section, so I avoided it (if you had a baby in the past few months and you didn't get a gift from me, you now know why. I'm sorry.).

Do you ever do something and then realize that you've hit sort of a milestone? That's how I felt in the baby section today. It was a small success, realizing that in some minuscule way, I have grown up in this area. I don't think that it was bad to feel the way that I did initially, like the time that I was in Target and lost it when a baby cried. I never wanted people to feel the same loss I had (I'd never wish that on anyone), but I knew that it was very unlikely that I would have that same unhampered joy at the prospect of having a child. I went through something sobering and I was sobered, and obviously that changed me.

I will not be "over" my miscarriage. It's something that definitely happened and created a huge change in me. But I am moving forward. Tears happen sometimes but are thankfully less frequent, and I wear a necklace with a tiny garnet around my neck, the would-be birthstone of this child. I have invisible scars, strange reminders, and memories I wish to forget.

God is faithful though, friends. He is making me at peace with the future. He is giving me rest when I want to be anxious. I am realizing that He knows what is going on in the future, that He has the answers. He has made me see the beauty of the Body of Christ, surrounding me with people to encourage and love and pour words of truth into my soul. He has let me sort of toddle through this, allowing me to move at very slow pace as I see His work in my life. This year has been very bumpy for me, spiritually. I have struggled a lot, and just the fact that I admitted that at all is evidence of a little growth.

The baby section was evidence of baby steps. Growth is slow, but we're moving forward.
He is good.

Lions and Tigers and Bears

The zoo is free on Mondays for Cuyahoga County residents, so we've been meaning to go for awhile. Finally, there was a Monday where I didn't have to work, so we took off for the zoo!

Carson took lots of pictures. LOTS.

 Grandmama and Granddaddy, there weren't many birds (maybe we missed them?), so I'm sorry for missing out giving you bird carving ideas. There was a random seagull but I didn't consider it worthy for a picture. 

First, there were Monkeys. They were on a little island along with goats and ducks. I'm not sure what the ducks and goats had to do with them (there wasn't a sign for the goats; like they had just wondered onto the island)

Nearby was a Persian Leopard. It was chuffing, a sort of weird growl. It scared a group of children passing by.

This zebra was brown and white, not black and white... have we been deceived all our lives?

Carson was excited about the Rhinos. I had to sort through 15 pictures of these guys.

And next were Giraffes. These were my favorite animal when I was about 6 and my mom still has a painting I did of a giraffe hanging in the kitchen. My siblings used to call me "Lin-giraffe" which always bothered me because it didn't flow. 

We set the camera on self-timer mode on top of a trash can for this one. 

Poor Tiger was pacing back and forth.

We went to the "Wolf Lodge" but the Wolf was running back and forth right in front of the glass and this was the best picture we got.

A little beaver who appeared to be taking a mid-afternoon snooze.

A bald eagle. I felt like there should have been an American flag in the background.

The idea of Reindeer was exciting to me, but they looked like lazy, mangy deer.

I'm not confident that the one on the left was actually living; the other two were moving.

Camels have to be the strangest looking animals. 

We spent the most time looking at the bears. They were playing (fake fighting/biting one another) and seemed very dog-like. Pretty sure I wouldn't like them as much up close. 

You can hear Carson laughing in the background at these bears.

Polar bears have incredibly large feet. 

This is a Sun Bear, fully grown. The sign said that he's the smallest of all bears (about the same as a medium sized dog). He had very long claws for such a small guy.

This black bear was napping very close to the edge of a little cliff. 

And this guy wanted to know if we wanted a piece of him. Doesn't he look like he's having a stand-off?

The Koala slept the whole time we were in that exhibit. 

The Tree Kangaroo was pretty cute and probably the cleanest looking animal there. So shiny.

We then went to see the Gorillas, where I put my best Gorilla face to use, thanks to the teachings of my wise Uncle Mike ;)

They have large hands.

Many animals seemed to be taking afternoon naps. These monkeys joined the club.

The Lemurs, by contrast, were bouncing around, and peeing everywhere. They seemed like the grossest animals. 

I feel like Dr. Suess drew this one up. 

I guess these ones were bathing.

Bush Babies - they were hopping around everywhere. This little fellow was chasing my hand. 

I begged Carson to take this picture. 

Aslan was there.

All but one of the Lions jumped off the rock by the time I set the timer up... oh well.

And there was a Dinosaur exhibit that was closed (Carson was disappointed), but this guy near the exit growled and moved.

Altogether a great way to spend the afternoon. 

And yes, we did say "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" at least once.

April Showers Bring Wonderful Things

It seemed to take forever, but spring is here! It's been sunny and green and beautiful. When I'm home, I smell the best warm weather smell of all (charcoal grill smell) wafting down the street. I've been routinely woken up by birds singing outside, I've spent time on a towel on the tiny patch of green grass in the yard. I see buds and blooms on trees, animals coming out to play, and there are suddenly ants that have decided to hang out in our house now that it's warm (they're huge ants coming from who knows where), smell grass being cut and see many more people outside than I used to. My favorite time of year is whenever it's warm, so I'm loving it right now. 

I took these pictures recently, all unedited because they were beautiful and clearly didn't need it.