Going to the Chapel

My little sister is getting married today. We'll be going to the chapel in just a few hours for her to marry Thomas.

Instead of eloquent words (which I'm out of in such occasions), I'd like to share with you a passage that I shared during my speech at the rehearsal dinner, a prayer for Becca and Thomas.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory, He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God".
-Ephesians 3:14-19

Becca, I pray that your marriage is long and full and sweet with the blessings of our Savior. We're finally here, on your wedding day. I'm not sure that I have the words to say. There are so many memories and sentimental things floating around in my head today that I just can't think of the right thing. But I pray for you and for your new husband as of 4:00 this afternoon. I can't wait to stand beside you today, and to witness you marrying the man of your dreams. You've become such a lovely person, inside and out. I know that sounds so cliche, but it's very true. I've seen you grow as a person and blossom into a woman of God. I pray that this is only the beginning of a lifelong love for the Lord, and a lifetime together of serving Him.
All my love,
Lindsay

The new Mr. and Mrs. Mole

The Backyard

I realized that our last picture together was the one that we took at Mount Rushmore, so here's a picture from Ohio. We haven't changed so much (except that the humidity is affecting my hair... grrrr...) since we moved here four weeks ago. This is our little backyard (cropped so you don't see the ugliness and the fact that it's all dead grass and weeds) and our tiny back porch, which we love.

It's Been Three

The summer has been so long. It feels like a million things have happened in the few months since I graduated. If I were to use just one word to describe the summer as a whole, I'm not sure if I would use "crazy" or just "difficult". It's been both.

Today, it's been three months since my miscarriage.

The move was an excellent distraction. I got totally caught up in goodbyes and packing and three full days of driving, then unpacking and finding a job and getting settled. But as I settle in more and more, I have fewer things keeping me busy. For one, we know a small handful of people here, not the large circle of friends we kept in Spokane. Two, Carson is gone most of the day and I work unpredictable hours. This gives me lots of time to think.

And today, my thinking has been about our baby.

I'm sad today, thinking back to three months ago. That was easily the worst day of my life; every day since then has been progressively better. I'm healing today, thanks to the blessings of time and perspective.

But it still hurts.
Not too long ago, I was in line at Target. I heard the squeaky cry of a newborn baby and buried my head in Carson's arm, crying. As happy as I am for the friends and relatives who've recently announced pregnancies, I get a lump in my throat. I've cried more tears in the past three months than I can remember crying in any other period of my life.

We've been so blessed by the people around us that I can't end on a "this is so sad" sort of note. Because while I am sad, I am still amazed by how the Body of Christ has wrapped its arms around us. Simple emails, letters, phone calls, Facebook messages, comments on the blog have amazed me. Stories from other women have encouraged me. People have come up, hugged my neck, and prayed for us in church. Two friends brought brownies and flowers.

I've been amazed by all the giving that has happened in our lives because of this. We have been so blessed, so encouraged, so in awe of what Jesus is doing in His church. I wouldn't have seen that if not for this, so while I'm not glad that it happened, God has given us great encouragement as a result.

The healing is going to take awhile, and I'm pretty sure it will never be complete, but even in the face of this storm, we have seen God's goodness. We eagerly wait the day that we will see our sweet child's face.

I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

From Glory Baby, by Watermark

For Granted

(written 15 June 2012)

No matter what would have happened, our baby belonged to the Lord and not to us.

It's easy to think that you have control of a situation, even if in the back of your head, you know God has it all in His hands. I'm sure parents are reminded that their children are in God's care and not theirs constantly and have to trust God to protect and lead their kids after His ways. But I'm sure that they forget too. In my desire for this child, I asked God why. I still wonder why:

Why did you take my baby, God? 

But it wasn't really mine. That baby was always in the hands of the Lord. Whether it lived a long life here on earth or went to be with the Lord before it took a single breath, that baby wasn't mine. It was entrusted to me for a short time. It was my job to take care of the baby by making sure that I was getting enough rest, enough to eat, enough exercise, no caffeine and all sorts of other things that I was realizing daily. I was supposed to be a good steward by caring for that child in my womb but I never owned it. The Lord knit that baby together, not me.

I didn't have control over this baby at all. I hoped that we would have a perfect newborn in about seven months from now, but the truth is that leading up that point would mean nine months of letting God grow a baby in me. That would mean nine months of what-ifs and hands-on lessons in trusting God. And then the baby would be in the real world and I would worry about that child until my last breath. At no point was that baby's life in my control.

I'm not saying that the only reason I lost the baby was to teach me a lesson. It's just that so far, I've come face-to-face with the reality that not only is my life not my own (I Corinthians 6:19-20), but that baby's life wasn't mine either.

I tend to take the control of a situation for granted. To think that, for example, this is MY baby and that God is somehow doing me a favor by keeping it safe and healthy in my body. In reality, God had given me that child at that time for His perfect purpose. And my baby is safe and healthy. It will never know the sin and suffering of this world, only what it is like to live in the presence of God Himself.
In this situation, I am astounded by the power and might of God.

I shouldn't take anything for granted.

August 18

As weddings go, this was one that I've been looking forward to for quite some time. 

The bride was one of my first-year roommates and one of my best friends. Last summer, Erica lived with me for the month of August while she was in transition to a new house and before Carson came back from the forest service. She's from Ohio, which worked out excellently for us, because she got married in Ohio the weekend that we moved here. 

Pictures from the rehearsal. 

This was one of the most seamless wedding rehearsals I've ever attended. It wasn't exactly quick, but the planning was meticulous and every detail, down to the candle lighting and the walking over to podiums, was rehearsed and discussed. 

Zack and Erica

The rehearsal dinner was at a home across the street from Erica's house. We had pizza and salad and enjoyed fellowship over dinner, ice cream cake afterward, and then the bride and groom said a few words and then passed out fun gifts to the bridal party

We were given these purple robes to get ready in on the morning of the wedding. 

Passing out directions to the reception and bubbles for them as they left. I love this picture. Jaimie, by the way, is another friend from Spokane. She replaced me after I moved out from my first apartment, to "move to Chicago", which didn't happen. Anyway, I graduated with her and she too is a good friend. It was fun to spend the weekend with another Spokane friend in a strange place.

The reception was at a golf course, and we took pictures out there before the party! While the real photographer was taking the usual pictures, Carson had my camera out there taking fun ones. 

We were a little late taking pictures and they had to send someone in to get us to actually come to the reception. It was a beautiful setup and the food was very tasty. 

Before they left... the Faltinowskis and the Bays. 

Progress

In a flurry of emotion, the fact that we just moved 2,000 miles hit me last night. Before that, I knew, of course, that we'd traveled across all of those states. But last night, for whatever reason, I started crying, thinking of the people we've left behind and may or may not see in the future.

When I left Beaufort, I was sad, but I knew that most of my friends there were people I'd reconnect with because they were from there as well. Our paths would likely cross again. Spokane is a little different. There are friends with whom I'm sure I'll connect again. Two of my very good friends have parents that live less than an hour away in both directions and I'm excited to see them around Christmastime or whenever they can make it. There are others, though, who will stay in Spokane for a short time before going on to the mission field, or "back home", which isn't in the mid west. These are people whom I love, but may not ever see again. I guess that reality just struck me for some reason. It wasn't a pleasant realization. 

That said, today I've made it my goal to put things on the walls and to make this place seem a little more like a home. It's been two weeks since we walked in the front door, which makes me think that it's about time that it should look like it's ours. We've put up bookshelves in the upstairs hallway, bought a dresser, a bed, a table for the breakfast nook (it's really quite small, but so cute), were given some coffee tables and chairs for the table. I don't have those things on the walls just yet, but I'm planning to do so and I'll take pictures then! 

In the meantime, here's some progress from the beginning of the week: 

The breakfast nook is the room that's the most "done", simply because it's the smallest, and because of the built-in shelves, it was the easiest to decorate and finish. The flowers on the table have gone now, but they were my bridesmaid's bouquet from Erica's wedding, which I need to get on the blog. 

The living room looks mostly like this. I really like the room and can't wait until it's a comfortable, cozy place! We thought we had a couch coming yesterday or today (via Craigslist), but the seller and his wife didn't communicate well, and she gave it to a co-worker. I'd like something neutral in here, though we did find a really pretty red fabric sectional on Craigslist that we'd like. We'd most like a sectional. If you're wondering, those windows face the fireplace (which does work, for those of you who asked! It's a gas fireplace.)

We lucked out at Target. They had all kinds of things we needed that were on sale because of back-to-dorm sales. Our most notable purchases were these two bookshelves which we put upstairs in the little nook right before our room. In the future, Carson would like to put a chair up here for reading.

Carson found a ton of furniture at a 50% of sale at a local thrift store, which is where this dresser was purchased. It has some "heat stains" (he says), which are gummy marks on the top. Any ideas on how to remove them?

The view from the door isn't spectacular. I'd like drapes on that window and something to go on either side.

Most of all, I'd love to figure out what to put over the bed. We had a window behind our bed at the apartment, but it looks so lonely with nothing there right now. I've been brainstorming and welcome all suggestions.

And I'd considered something like this... put three hooks in and get some fabric that matches the room (I'm holding up a scarf). I can't tell from my picture if it's a good idea or a little bit tacky. Help?!

Boxes

No words are really needed besides yeah, it really was that bad. 

Here's what the packing, cleaning and moving process looked like in Spokane.