On the Eve of 27.

I love my birthday. I always have, and I always will. Despite what my immediate family members might tell you, I am not OBSESSED with it and I don't think I force it upon anyone, but I do enjoy celebrating things and I love special days and I really love presents, so all in all, birthdays are pretty great.

This is the first year that I've looked at my new age and thought anything besides "Yay! A year older!" Despite the fact that I am nearing 30, honestly getting older doesn't bother me that much. I feel like because I look so young, I get more joy with telling people how wrong they are when they guess my age and they're WAY off. It's a secret (not anymore) pleasure of mine. People routinely think I'm 18, so when I mention the fact that I'm actually in my late twenties, I feel a weird joy in them being wrong.

The reason I've been feeling a little differently about this age, this year is that not only does 27 just sound much older than 26, but it feels like yet another year of unknown. When my Granddaddy was 25, my dad was born. When my dad was 25, I was born. I was sort of hoping to continue that silly little age gap thing because I love things like that, and also because when I was 23, I lost my first baby, so it seemed pretty reasonable to be pregnant again by the time I was 25. Two weeks after my 25th birthday though, I lost my third pregnancy.

It isn't about the age so much as it is the time that's going by. I got married young. I would have loved to have babies fairly young (I technically am fairly young still but in the eyes of my life-gameplan I am not). I'm 27. I've been married almost 6 years, and I don't have any kids. It feels weird that this is my life. It feels strange that I'm still in this place, nearly four years later than I thought I'd be.

The lessons I've learned in the past few years as I've lived in this season have been so valuable. Had I not known what it was like to grieve, I would not know God in the way I do now. I am thankful for that. I am thankful to have tasted the bitterness, because God's grace has been so sweet. I cannot deny, however, that it is difficult. I'm living a life that's really great, but it isn't a life that's anything like I thought I'd have, and that's hard. It's hard to know that as each day passes, that's one day more of mystery.

Twenty-seven in itself is a pretty unremarkable age. It's one year older, one day further along the road. Ten years ago, birthdays just felt a lot more special.

It isn't the big occasions that count the most though. It's the days. It's the moments that happen each and every day that will mark 27 as a good year or a bad one. I'd love to say that this will be a good year if my wishes are granted and we bring a baby into this world in my 27th year, but the truth is that it will probably be a perfectly fine year either way. It will probably pass as a year with unexpected events, unique memories, and both good and bad, just like most years seem to pass.

I think that this year will be a good one. I think I'll probably get to surprise lots of people with that fact that - surprise! - I'm actually almost 10 years older than you think I am. I think there will be lots of change. I think that I will grow in my relationship with Carson. I think good things will happen and bad things will happen. I think we'll begin good habits, break bad ones, and celebrate small moments like they're big ones like we always have.

I pray most of all that this 27th year (technically 28th year but that sounds confusing) will be one where I don't forget that God is good. I hope that I don't lose sight of the fact that He knows what's going on and that while to me I feel alone or forgotten or sad, to Him, beautiful things are taking place. I have a quote from GK Chesterton that I like that says "One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak". I don't want to focus so much on the beauty of motherhood that I miss the beauty of where He has me now. I don't want 27 or any other year to be so wrapped up in that one thing that I totally lose out on whatever it is He has in store according to His plan.

Here's to another year!