Things That Lurk Below

(photo credit)

I like to look at the ocean, but I'm not particularly fond of swimming in it. If I can't see the bottom, I don't know what might be around me. For the most part, that's probably a good thing, but whether it's a jellyfish or a shark or a piece of seaweed, what may be lurking below me completely scares me. I'm perfectly find just sitting on the sand and dipping my toes in. I do love the ocean though. The sounds of the powerful waves, the smell of the saltwater, the feeling of the sun beating down and making me sleepy, even the people watching... all of it makes me go back, even though the ocean scares me a little. 

It isn't exactly the same, but right now for me, the idea of having a baby reminds me a little of the ocean. You see, I really want a baby. I believe that having a baby is a good thing, and I would really like to become a mother but pregnancy right now feels a little bit like the ocean to me. I see all the things about it that are great: feeling someone grow inside you, the anticipation of meeting that person, all the little things that happen. There are lots and lots of great things that I've heard about and a few that I've experienced. 

But then we have my actual experience to contend with. This would be the part of the ocean that makes me not want to spend too long in it: the sharks, the riptides, the creepy little fish, basically anything that is unknown. And here's the thing with that: my actual experience of being pregnant does not make me very hopeful. If anything else, it makes things a little worse, because the likelihood of getting eaten by a shark seems a lot more likely if you've had your arm nibbled at by one in the past. All of the good things about the ocean would sort of fade away and your entire perspective of the ocean would be SHARKS. All you would be able to think about is the possibility of SHARKS and SHARK BITES and the Jaws theme song. I'm guessing here about the shark thing, but I think I'm fairly close to the mark. 

So if you're tracking here, one hundred percent of my personal experience with pregnancy is miscarriage. That is my shark bite, and so far, I've been bitten every time I've jumped in the water. All of the good things about pregnancy and becoming a mother and having a family have this dark, shark-shaped shadow under the surface of the water that is miscarriage. 

For the most part, I see the shadow lurking there. It is the thing that keeps me awake at night more than any other, the thing that I wish was not coloring my views of pregnancy more than any other, and the thing that I pray against more than any other. It is there, always there, and regardless of how I pray, the danger of sharks in the ocean will never go away. 

These are the things that make it hard to trust God and be thankful for. It's bad enough to be bitten by a shark one time, but three? Does that mean that I should never get back in the ocean? Is it a sign? There are a lot of questions with answers that are probably not coming any time soon. 

What do we do in the face of a Great White Shark? We pray to our greater God. We pray to the One who has created pregnancy and who has lost His Son and who knew what my life would look like before it began. 

And then what? Do we jump in the ocean again? Do we trust wholeheartedly that this time nothing bad will happen? Do we find another way? Do we wait? Do we give up altogether?

I don't like stories without real resolution. They aren't really encouraging, aren't really motivating, and sort of seem to not have a point. I feel a little bit like this is one of those stories. Either I will get pregnant and have a baby or I won't. Either the shark will bite or it won't. Either it will happen this year or it won't. There is no satisfactory end to this yet. There is no baby on the way. There will always be sharks in the ocean. Stay tuned, folks.