Spam Folder

I checked my spam folder today, looking for an email I was expecting. I'm not sure when or how my email address became so popular, but I found it funny to read the things someone out there thought would apply to me. According to my spam folder:

- I have a career awaiting in law enforcement. Dream job. I can't think of anyone more suited. I'm 5 foot one and super intimidating. 
- I need to remove moles. Ew. And don't you just go to a dermatologist for that? I wouldn't really know, but a "mole removal center" sounds fishy. 
- I must be quite smoker. I need counseling for my addiction AND I can get e-cigarettes with this special offer. Win-win.
- I qualify for really cheap life insurance and 343 jobs in my area. Seems legit. Wait... 
- I have a need to find Asian singles, Christian singles and have been pegged as a "Cougar", all by helpful dating sites. I get these offers on my facebook page too - guess the "married" status means nothing?
- I can take a cruise or attend nursing school for "virtually nothing".
- I have tons of job offers waiting... I just have to send in a copy of a valid credit card and download a helpful tool to upload my resume. I really hope that nobody actually does that.
- Liposuction is something that I can get really cheap... guess I'll need that when I claim my free $5000 from Red Lobster.
- I can get a settlement from a medication I strangely don't recall taking... and how kind! If I provide my account number, they'll just put millions of dollars right in there! Talk about customer service!
- I can get rid of bed bugs... NOW! I have this email several times in there - like I'd check my spam folder for a solution to bed bugs?

The email I was actually looking for never came. But it really doesn't matter... my quality of life is really going to improve once I accept all of these great offers!