Three Things: Exercise

Here are three things about exercise and us right now. (I'm back-scheduling this because I realized that it didn't publish when it was supposed to before).

1. I've been doing a push-up challenge for a little while now. For 100 days, you do 100 push-ups a day. That's every day. I haven't been doing them on days where I'm sick or travelling the entire day, but for the most part, I've been fairly faithful. I've noticed a little difference in definition, but nothing truly amazing yet. Maybe if I hadn't skipped those days?
2. An app I found that's actually pretty great is the 7 Minute Workout. I mean seven minutes is nothing, but by the end of it, I'm typically a little sweaty. When I do it, I do usually a few rounds in a row. The app remembers that and rewards you for days worked out in a row, multiple circuits in a day, and will open new sets of workouts once you meet your goals.
3. Carson's been running a lot, but I haven't. My knees have gotten to the point where running or too much stress on them is pretty painful, and I can't tell if it's the sort of pain where you push through or where you don't, so I haven't been running. I'm trying to build them up and to do other forms of cardio that aren't running, instead. 

Small Glimmers

I still don't know what it feels like to feel a baby kick for the first time. I don't exchange nursing advice with fellow moms, or have a birth story to share. 

In fact, much of the time I feel pretty lonely. Three years later, many of my friends have gotten married, had babies, and some are on their second child in that time. This is not easy for me. It's hard living with this strange reality, where I want something good, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's hard to live with the questions that come up inevitably - did God forget? DOES He have a purpose in all of this? Waiting has gotten easier in a sense because it's normal, but the hurting doesn't stop. 

I remember June 11, 2012 vividly. The morning, waking up to bid my teammates farewell as I stayed behind for four more weeks in Ukraine. I remember the nap on the bus on the way home, and the way my heart stopped when we stopped for a bathroom break and I saw blood. It was red. It was not right. I knew that immediately. "Nonononono" I repeated to myself for the remainder of our drive, recalling things I'd read about bleeding, very few of them with hopeful outcomes. It didn't feel like something I was going through. I was numb, staring out the window with my mind racing through so many things. I was in another country, on a bus, and I was in this place for four more weeks. What and why and how and what should I do? 

I prayed, and tried to at least look calm. I was afraid, and I'd never been afraid like that before. 

I wish this memory were distant. I wish that there had been a happy outcome and that I barely remembered that day. The truth is that I remember it all. The blood, the pain, the sobbing alone in the bathroom and the backyard. If my memory were a movie, it would be shot with that shaky camera technique, because that's how it feels - vivid but also a complete blur. 

And it was three years ago. Three. 

Were I to have had a baby in the time since, I don't know how I might feel about this day, but right now, I look at June 11 as the very beginning of a chapter. A much longer season than ever anticipated. A black hole, perhaps. And while I do have hope, I wonder if this was the beginning of the rest of my life or if it really is just a small season. Will I feel that baby kick? Will I hear the first gasps for breath from a newborn? 

I feel like today I am still only picking up the pieces. I am still understanding what it means to hope in God while not getting what I want. I'm still not sure what He will have me do if not be a mother, and still not sure if I'll like the answer when it arrives. I still have a lump in my throat when I think very much about this, and still don't know how to talk about it without it sounding like a personal pity party. 

I still don't have answers, and that makes it all the more difficult to process. I hope and pray that at least the season of miscarriage has ended, or at least I think I hope that, as this is the only pain of infertility I really know. 

I think more than anything, I hope to really see a reason one day. I don't expect a shining beacon in the clouds, but I see small glimmers and I do hope to one day look back and say, "oh, because of that horrible thing (those horrible things), this other blessing has come!" It doesn't take the pain away, but it somehow makes it beautiful, to know there's a reason. And I do know there is, and I am hopeful that I will see it and that I will use it and that I will praise Him. 

He brings beauty from ashes. Beauty from pain. 

Luigi's First Shower

My cousin Morgan is like a sister to me, and she only lives three hours away, so when I got the invitation to her baby shower, I knew I would make the short drive.
Carson saw me off in the fun shirt we got in Disney World.

The drive was slightly eventful... at one point the rain was so bad that I could barely see out the window, but I got there in one piece and actually beat Morgan home from work.

Morgan and Caleb had just moved the weekend before, so I got to see their new house (which was of course all set up and totally unpacked because that's how Morgan is). We ate dinner on the back screened porch.

Later that night, we went to Brusters for ice cream. Neither of us are accustomed to being up or out that late, so we had to document getting ice cream at 10:45.

The baby shower was the next morning. I didn't take many pictures, but everything was decorated so well and the food was delicious. 

We got back home, and took a picture with "Luigi" 

Morgan had fun showing Caleb all the spoils from the shower.

And later that evening,  Morgan tried to get video of Luigi doing some crazy kicks and flips in her belly. 

The next morning, I drove home. It was a perfectly sunny drive. 

The day was still young, so Carson and I went to Which Wich for the first time. I think it's relatively new to Tallahassee, but even if it isn't, it was new to us and we LOVED it. We'll definitely be back soon.

Clayton Comes to Visit

My friend Brooke is staying in Beaufort for the summer before her big move to Washington State. This is great because I got to visit her in DC this January, saw her at Easter, and then just a few weeks ago she and Clayton drove down to Tallahassee to visit. 

I had to go into work one day, but that didn't stop us from having a good time. Partially because of the baby, and partially just because, we didn't really do a lot. No beach trips. We got all dressed and ready one day and just went to Target and came home, and our big outing the next day was to the park. It was nice to have the time to relax and spend time together without a big agenda.

We made ourselves brunch after a leisurely morning.

A little lunch before going out to Target.

And a little "Hey, I'm 7 months old today" photo shoot.

We went out to lunch the next day after I got home from work, and hoped that Clayton, who had dozed only 20 minutes, would take another nap. Nope. He decided seven months was just waaay too old to sleep.

We went to the park to walk around, and again hoped that Clayton would nap. And nope.

He was happy, even without his nap.

Clayton was a little scared of Carson, but finally warmed up to him.

Carson also got to change a diaper, which he was disappointed by, because it was just wet and nothing else. He was hoping for more of a challenge.

Clayton decided to pull himself up for the first time on a stack of Carson's books, and then did it again on my knees when I was playing with him in the living room.

One last picture before they left! It was fun having baby toys and baby noises in our apartment for a few days!