Recently, I have been reflecting on the goodness and faithfulness of God.
You see, at the end of May, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregnant. My parents and Carson's were in town for a visit, so I wasn't able to go to the store for a test without raising suspicion. So I told Carson and we were both very excited, but also quiet. After they left, right before I left for Ukraine, I discovered that I was pregnant.
We hadn't planned for this child, but we
wanted him or her. We prayed for our baby, and thanked God for the blessing that He had given to us. The timing was sort of funny to us, since we discovered right before a six-week trip to Ukraine. We'd planned to start a family after that trip, but we were okay with that.
I was nauseated during my first week in Ukraine. My appetite was gone, and though I didn't throw up, I was tired and felt miserable. I slept a lot. I ate often but very little at a time. I wanted strange things at strange times (but couldn't have them because after all, I wasn't at home). But all of these things were signs that there was a little life, growing inside me. I wanted to tell the whole world, but we thought it best to remain quiet until after I returned, simply because we didn't want all the worries and "what ifs" people might have over being pregnant in a foreign country.
During that week, Carson and I Skyped a little bit, talking about the baby and how I was feeling and such things. Excitement filled our conversations. There was, yes, a little planning and discussion over "the baby".
I didn't feel well on Sunday. Well, I felt fine, but different. I didn't feel sick. I felt almost normal, and that was strange. Most of my symptoms had gone away. I thought that perhaps the hormones were taking a break or letting me off easy. We were in Kiev that day, touring the city. On Monday, Chloe and I saw the team off, and then headed back to Vinnitsa. In a gas station bathroom on the way back, I started to worry and wonder if everything was alright. Things weren't okay. I was concerned.
The next two hours of our drive seemed very long. I prayed for our little baby, the size of a blueberry at the time (according to the internet) almost the whole way back. I was uneasy all night, but knew there was nothing that I could do. I emailed Carson and asked him to pray.
Later in the evening, it became very obvious that I had lost the baby. I sobbed as Chloe hugged and prayed for me. I emailed Carson, since he wasn't online. I think that was the hardest...
emailing my husband to tell him that we would never meet our child on this earth. It felt like an injustice, somehow. I hated email and just wanted the real Carson. I had him tell our parents. I couldn't do it. I'd already thought about how we would tell them our happy news and just could not bring myself to tell them not only of the presence of our baby but also of its absence.
I didn't sleep well that night. I cried and slept on and off all the next day. I didn't eat much. This has been hard. Much harder than I would have expected, if I'm being honest. For knowing someone so short of a time, for never seeing their face, for knowing that our baby was almost microscopic in size, I loved that little life.
Never have I been touched by something like this before. I'm not sure what to do, to think or to say. I have no idea how to react to this kind of emotion. So I have been asking God what I should do, think and say. In our uncertainty, He is certain. He remains faithful, even when life seems to be unfair.
When I first found out that I was pregnant, I prayed that the Lord would use our child's life for His service. Through the short time we have known about our baby, we have seen that prayer answered. I feel as if Carson and I have grown closer to one another in our time apart, which surprised me. And in the loss of this baby, we have found that we are still able to praise God. We are still thankful that He chose to bless us for that very short time. Carson's dad told him that there is a person in heaven that is the result of us, which of course made me cry (I told someone, hours before all this happened, that I'm not much of a crier which just seems hilarious to me now). Our baby is with his or her Maker in heaven.
Of course, the baby was wanted. Of course I would love to be wrong and have a baby after all. I would love to wake up tomorrow and find that I'd dreamed the whole thing. But overall, I know that this has a purpose. God gives and He takes away. Blessed is His name (paraphrased from Job 1:21).
One day, we will see that child in heaven.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I will say, Rejoice... do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4,6-7
