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click here for part one]
So as previously mentioned, I had pretty well-formed thoughts on dating, courtship, and the like. In retrospect, it was a little like setting your parenting ideals on the table before your first child is born. Lofty goals, but without an ounce of experience.
You may remember that something dear to my heart was the idea of the family sitting around the kitchen table laughing and making memories while bonding with my future husband. It seemed only right that "he" would be a person I had known for forever, respected and trusted as a friend first.
Enter Carson: A man I had not known for years, did not know my family, and definitely had not sat at my kitchen table.
I'm going to add in here that my ideals have a lot to do with the fact that I am a firstborn. I get something in my head and there is no one who is going to take that away from me.
Carson Bay did not know this about me.
(He knew I was a firstborn because one of his roommates was in my speech class in which we gave biographical speeches and that loving friend recounted all my information to Carson. But he did not know that he was dealing with such a stubborn individual.
)
I accepted his first offer, which was to be his date to the spring formal. My reasoning was because you just couldn't say no without a reason. That would be entirely too rude.
When he got obtained my phone number (a true mystery to me... I hadn't included
that in any speech), he called me to see if I would be interested in coffee. I demurely replied that I did not think it was a good idea. He, also being a firstborn, gave me several reasons why it was.. I didn't buy it and again refused.
And then tried my darndest to ignore the guy. Meanwhile, he pursued with all his might. Our story is really one of persistence, his trying to get me and my trying to "not lead him on" (because he was not the long-time-family-friend of my dreams).
He won, as you might well assume. Two
weeks after that spring formal, we had a conversation in which we calmly told one another that we thought it would work for us to get married. It was a conversation oddly devoid of emotion for being about marriage and a future together.
He called my dad the next day (
after he had talked to me... there went one ideal... but then again, how else would he get his phone number?). That evening, over coffee, we...
Started
dating. Not courting. Dating.
One thing I've realized... the terms kind of coincide. But I've always pictured courting as more of a "family hangs out with the guy" thing and dating as a "family meets the guy after there's a relationship" thing... and so I call it dating. In reality, it doesn't matter. It's just a term thing, right?
He would sometimes come over and hang out with me and my roommates, but that was as family-oriented as it got. We were often unsupervised, unchaperoned, as we visited an Arboretum, went to lunch, went for walks, and sat under a tree at school, talking. It was not what I had envisioned. We even held hands once in awhile. It was wild.
After three
months of dating (
we dated in Spokane for 3 weeks and then were apart for 2 months), we got engaged.
Three
seconds after that (or in that general vicinity), we had our first kiss. We were not married yet. Another ideal, just flushed down the toilet.
[While that was written oh-so-flippantly, I must let you know that none of it was actually done in that manner. The dating a boy I had not known for years and years scared me to death. I prayed about it like there was no tomorrow. The holding hands was discussed. The kiss before marriage was discussed.]
One of the biggest things being in a relationship taught me was that I had been locking my ideals up in an iron castle. I had made things that weren't so big out to be non-negotiables, and not even considered things that were actually of importance.
The decisions we made while dating were made after lots of prayer and a considerable amount of discussion. We both tend to be over thinkers so that wasn't very hard for us.
Throughout my life, one of the bigger things God has had to "talk" to me about has been my setting my ideals above everything else, often including seeking Him in prayer on the issue.
This was the case initially with Carson... the reason I was deadset against his interest in me was because I was
sure that it wasn't the right time. Unfortunately in my
certainty, I had failed to consult with the One who created time. Once I prayed about it I realized that perhaps this
was something that He had brought about at that specific time for a specific purpose.
I had to trust God and let go of my ideals, which has sort of been the story of my life.
This has really been written because God has been teaching me a thing or two about my ideals (did I not say it was the story of my life?). This whole relationship thing was entirely new to me before Carson and SUCH a good example of how easy it was to set my "I will" and "I will not" plans before the Lord.
It's reminded me that even really good intentions in ideals can become idols if we don't place them before God. And honestly, at least in my case, they could probably ruin relationships.
- Mrs. Bay ;)
